Your Guide To Finding A Hibernation Girlfriend

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On February 22, it was -22 degrees in Northern Michigan. I was reeling. The heat at work was rendered useless as Jack Frost’s grip slipped through the cracks of the old building I worked in. The ski areas were shut down for fear of frost bite. I was sleeping in sweatpants. Below is a screenshot to prove how frigid it was. And yes, my way of checking the weather then was by way of Snapchat filters.

What was I to do? Hunker down and watch movies until April? Risk setting my house on fire by surrounding myself with space heaters? Call it quits and let the cold take my body only to be found when after the spring thaw? No. I took matters into my own hands and attempted to find a Hibernation Girlfriend.

Again, I was in Northern Michigan where the median age was about 65 where I lived. I was just as apt to see my friend’s dads at bars as I was to find a single girl who didn’t have a deep personal and sexual history with someone I knew from high school. My only move? To import someone by creating an application process. I asked the following questions:

• Name
• Age
• Location
• Are you above an 8?
• What celebrity’s hair does your hair most resemble?
• Do you get riled up over guys who look like Jason Sudeikis?
• 1st Base, 2nd Base, 3rd Base, Homerun, or #UpForWhatever?
• What streaming video service passwords are you in possession of?
• What is your cold-weather drink of choice?
• What is your favorite romantic comedy and how will you apply the principles of said romantic comedy to our relationship?
• Describe your Lazy Sunday Panic Room Outfit.
• Do you have a dog? If yes, please describe.
• Are you okay with me having attachment issues to said dog?

All twelve responses were overwhelmingly positive. Unfortunately, trying to convince a mid-20s stunner to move above the 45th parallel in the midst of one of the coldest winters in history is harder than you’d think. It reinforced that you need to take advantage of Cuffing Season before it’s too late and you’re sitting alone shivering in your bed come February 22. And if you’re not familiar with Cuffing Season, you’re probably either in a relationship or you’re not a complete sociopath. Cuffing Season is simple.

During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

Creepy, yes. But innocent and reasonable, nonetheless. At the end of they day, male or female, everyone’s gotta get theirs. Which is why you need to be scientific and deliberate in your methodology to lock something when winter is nigh.

Step 1: Shooters shoot.

I get it, guys. It’s cold out there. But if you’re not out there handing out cards and dropping some barside icebreakers, you’re going to be running up a solo tab on your Apple TV renting everything in sight. When you’re in a slump, shoot yourself out of it. When there’s an infinity-scarved biscuit who’s out of your league sippin’ a glass of Pinot, toss a wink-bomb in and around her general vicinity. What’s the worst that can happen? She thinks you’re a perv who’s out of his league? Tell us something we don’t know.

Step 2: Align your interests.

You don’t want a girl that’s in a Bridget Jones Diary mindset when you’re trying to live in a National Treasure world. Much like an iceberg, these Hibernation Girlfriends have more beneath the surface than you’re imagining. All bets are off once the make-up comes off and she’s sitting there next to you in your favorite sweatpants and oversized long sleeve shirt. You better hit the conversation trail hard and fast before you’re stuck watching Sex & The City for the fifteenth time in February.

Step 3: Assess the accessories to the crime.

What are her friends like? Do they have boyfriends? Are they single? Are they looking? Do they go out? Are they hot? Are they fun?

If you don’t have a healthy mix of all of the above, you’re asking for trouble. Oh, they all have boyfriends? Have fun never going out ever again. Oh, they’re all single? Enjoy yourself while they pester you to set them up with your friends when they’re loafing around your place while you try not to fart.

My friends lift me up to an echelon that I don’t deserve to be in. If her friends aren’t down to clown, you best believe you’re setting yourself up for disaster.

Step 4: Form a digital dossier.

What passwords is she in possession of? HBO Go? Netflix? Showtime? Does she have a full cable package with internet access? Her old boyfriend’s Season Ticket package? A Spotify account? Apple Music? Hulu Plus?

If you don’t have a note in your iPhone with all of these passwords, you’re going to find yourself emotionally raw when she’s on family vacation come early March and you get hit with that final blizzard that brings an extra foot of snow to your doorstep. You’ll be sitting around with your hand down the front of your pants scrolling basic cable hoping that someone’s playing Ocean’s 11.

Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.

Step 5: Be an open book.

Yeah, you’re looking airtight at the bar in your best winter gear, but once that comes off and you’re Sunday Stinking around your apartment without showering? Things are gonna get real. If she views you as the pile of filth that you are, you’re in for a rude awakening in the form of spending an entire winter solo status. She needs to know that your hair is going to be messed up come morning, and not in the dashing Coach Taylor way. She needs to accept that you’re going to go unshaven for days on end and that sandpaper skin is going to hurt her face. And furthermore, she needs to accept that when you’re at your place, you’re going to spend upwards of ten minutes on the toilet with your iPad.

And if that doesn’t go to plan? Just start a website with the sole purpose of receiving applications to be your Hibernation Girlfriend. That works too. .

Image via YouTube

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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