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Bars, tailgates, parks, cider mills. Sure, it’s a small sample size of the places my friends and I will be found dominating this autumn, but it’s generally pretty accurate. Throughout this entire summer, I’ve been craving fall Saturdays when I can toss on a fleece and some boots before heading out to toss the afternoon pigskin only to find myself posted up in the bar section of my favorite restaurant for the duration of a four hour college football rivalry game.
But this year, my friends and I are missing something: a platonic group of girl friends, with a huge stress on the word “platonic” and the space between “girl” and “friends.” We’re not looking to bone, we’re just looking for a fearsome foursome of arm candy to act as wildcards with us on gameday.
Think you have what it takes? Okay, good. Please forward any and all responses to will@postgradproblems.com and I’ll review them over the long weekend in preparation for week two.
What is your friend group comprised of?
We’re just four mid-to-late twenties gainfully employed basic bros who enjoy late kickoffs, pullovers, and being asked to leave the bar after running up a $300 tab solely on beers, wings, and celebratory shots. Simple men? Yes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be a little picky. We’re talking age, career, blonde, brunette, or redhead.
Photo submissions encouraged but not required.
What are your favorite fall activities?
I’m all in on #CiderSZN this year, so my friends and I are going to need a lot from you on the farm fresh cider front. We’re talking pumpkin patches, hayrides, the works. If you’re not down to clown on the back of a pick-up truck while drinking some hard cider, then this arrangement won’t work out.
On a scale of 1 to Basic, how basic are you?
Asking because we need you to be relatively basic. We’re talking oversized knit sweaters, dark jeans, Bean boots, and weathered regional sports hats from boyfriends past. Please describe in detail what types of outfits you have for at least one of the following situations: early afternoon bar games, tailgates, a game of pick-up two-hand-touch in the park.
What is your marital status?
It’s not that we need to to be single (after all, this is platonic), but it’s strongly encouraged that you’re single for availability and emotional reasons. We’re a group of strong-willed dudes who aren’t looking for any controversy with a rival group of jealous dudes. As far as availability goes, we can’t have you taking long weekends with your boyfriends when we’ve got an 8-top reserved for the Michigan game at our favorite local spot. It’s an “all hands on deck” situation, and I think we can all understand that.
What are your rooting allegiances?
As a diehard Detroit Lions fan and avid Big Ten enthusiast, it’s strongly recommended (but not required) that your allegiances have a midwest vibe to them. Yes, we enjoy a good 4 o’clock SEC showdown as much as the next group of guys, but when Wisconsin is playing Iowa in the rain on a casual Saturday afternoon, we’re going to need to make sure you have availability to finish off some pops with us while wearing chunky sweaters.
What is your favorite Bob Seger song?
When we’re post-gaming, it’s essential that the jukebox is running on all cylinders with the classics. And if you’re not familiar The Silver Bullet Band’s greatest hits album, then don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
It’s ten minutes to game time, we haven’t responded to your texts, and you know we all blacked out the night before yet need to be at the bar for kickoff. What do you do?
To whom much is given, much is expected. Sometimes we’ll need to be babysat.
What’s your plan of action when one of you inevitably falls for one of us?
We’ve got our exit plan, so it’s essential that you have yours. At the end of the day, we’re not looking for “What are we?” texts and/or hook-ups that make next week’s game weird. We’re just looking for some girls who have the same interests as us: havin’ a good time while finishing off some pumpkin-flavored micro-brews.
What does pumpkin spice mean to you?
Asking because I’m not all that well-versed and could use some help easing into it.
We’re settling up with our waitress and she hands us each our itemized tabs. What does yours say?
Here’s mine: 2 micro-brews that I used to ease my hangover, 6 Miller Lites, 8 shots that I bought for the table in hopes they’d later be reciprocated, an order of twelve Asian-style wings, and some loaded ‘tato skins.
Do any of you have a dog we can maximum chill with either pre-game or post-game? If so, what is his/her name, breed, and favorite form of catch to play?
I like Springer Spaniels but, really, any bird dog will do.
Interested? Please forward all inquiries and applications to will@postgradproblems.com. Your entries will remain anonymous. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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This seems like an extravagant ploy to get girls to think they are just your friends. Until that one drunken night when it “just happens”. Will you sly guy, you.
Beat me to this comment. Nice work.
Someday we’ll tell our grandkids we lived in the deFries era. Hats off to you, Will.
This made me less sad that summer is over, thank you Will.
This is an ultimate PGPM by a mildly famous internet writer, and I like it.
This is great. I just can’t see the “platonic” lasting.
Are we gonna talk about this?
http://www.buzzfeed.com/keelyflaherty/two-girls-are-advertising-for-fall-boyfriends-on-craigslist#.xc9VDJ3d4
I wrote about these girls looking for boyfriends last year on Sunday Scaries here.
I’ve also done applications for a Hibernation Girlfriend here.
And wedding date application here (2014) and here (2015).
Doing online applications isn’t anything new, nor is watching football or stereotypical fall activities.
We did, last year.
https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/two-new-york-bachelorettes-head-to-craigslist-to-find-painfully-stereotypical-white-men-to-date/
Are you accepting friendships in the Boston area? We just created a friendship application for guys eerily close to this
25/m/Boston
stats sunday funday all football season? see you guys there
Nothing beats brunch at TITS
Sup
Buffalo area as well? I have a dog that resembles the pup from Little Rascals (black eye patch and all), and am moderately basic as is evident by my profile photo. Also, I am medically gluten free but regardless of reason, adds to my basic-ness and my expertise on all things cider.
Nice squirrel.
I find that the best way to seek out a new friend group is to put out a flyer, something like this: “WHAT UP!!! We’re three cool guys looking for other cool guys who want to hang out in our party mansion. Nothing sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged. If you are fat you should be able to find humor in the little things. Again, nothing sexual.” Make sure the flyer is bicep-shaped.
UofM kicks off at 9, case of Bell’s and 50 wings (various sauces because duh). It’s Thursday, so only take shots after touchdowns. Casual attire but don’t be lazy, it’s the first game and they’re counting on us.
They’re going to get wrecked.
So sad I took shots for ALL touchdowns.
womp womp womp
Q: It’s ten minutes to game time, we haven’t responded to your texts, and you know we all blacked out the night before yet need to be at the bar for kickoff. What do you do?
A: Bring over chick-fil-a breakfast.
You guys sound incredibly gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.