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1. Ask your friend with the nicest car to drive ensuring you only arrive in a vehicle with saddle leather interior.
2. Park your car on the curb of the valet.
3. Say your last name at the hostess stand as if you have a reservation even though you don’t have a reservation.
4. Ask to move tables even though you liked your first table.
5. Request a “table for quatro” if there are Mexican selections on the menu and later state that you studied abroad in Spain.
6. Clarify with the waitress what type of champagne is being used in the mimosa carafes. #VeuveLife
7. Under dress for the restaurant just to show you don’t care.
8. Ensure your sunglasses cost more than anything else you’re wearing.
9. Ask if there’s any availability on the patio even though they don’t have a patio.
10. Only have an iPhone 6 Plus and display it on the table for everyone to see.
11. Complain about the fact that your hand hurts because you can’t reach your thumb to the top left corner of your phone.
12. Speak in only abbreves and acros. #ABV #AlwaysBeAbbreving
13. Ask what brands of sparkling water they have.
14. Request lemons and limes to be put in your drink.
15. Pronounce “carafe” as “car-ruh-fay” so it sounds more exotic.
16. Only refer to celebrities by their first names so the surrounding tables think you know them.
17. Exclusively order items that have goat cheese or truffle.
18. Order numerous appetizers and refuse to eat any of them.
19. Ask the waitress if your “flatware” is sterling.
20. Request another champagne flute each time you pour a fresh mimosa from the carafe.
21. Don’t be seen eating carbs.
22. Verify with the waitress that your veggie egg white omelette is gluten free even though vegetables and egg whites are inherently gluten free.
23. Debate not ordering said omelette because the word “veggie” isn’t luxurious.
24. Refuse to participate in a technology timeout.
25. Only invite your friends with exotic names like Monet and Allegra.
26. Ask everyone what their golf handicap is even though you don’t play golf.
27. Casually ask Siri a question so everyone knows your Siri sounds like a British butler.
28. Wear sunglasses inside so everyone thinks you’re famous and/or in Pitbull’s entourage.
29. Scoff at the restaurant’s mint selection and comment about how many germs there are on them.
30. Wave down the waitress even though you don’t need anything.
31. Order your water without ice before sending back another drink because it’s not cold enough.
32. Casually mention that Jordan Spieth recently liked your girlfriend’s sister’s Instagram last week.
33. Refer to yourself in the third person.
34. Request the check for the table next to you because you don’t like one of their laughs.
35. Only Snapchat your food while using the blue filter.
36. Don’t geotag the restaurant on Instagram because you assume everyone knows where you are.
37. Order numerous drinks, including but not limited to coffee, soda, water, alcoholic beverages, iced tea, and chocolate milk.
38. Only drink black coffee because, “Creamer is for poors.”
39. Shame your friend by asking, “Did you really just ask for ketchup?”
40. Subsequently over-salt and over-pepper your food.
41. Offer the last mimosa from the carafe to your friend while pouring it into your own flute.
42. When the check comes, claim, “I got this,” and Venmo request everyone later.
43. Only pay with a gold card.
44. Complain that Uber helicopter isn’t an option on the app even though you drove there.
45. Clarify that you don’t mind surge pricing.
46. Ask your friend to grab your purse or wallet when you leave.
47. Ask everyone if the brunch has its own hashtag. .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
The last three PGP articles have been from Will which is luxurious in and of itself.
Can always count on deFries to put in the work on the weekends.
Working on the weekend. PGP.
I miss the Scaries columns though. I’m hoping for one tonight.
48. Don’t invite Kendra to brunch
Will always kills it. Kendra…not so much.
So, what’s the big deal with the iPhone 6 Plus? You seem to like it far too much.
If you have to ask.
It’s a phone that’s the size of a planet. I could drive over to the Apple store to buy one if I was so inclined, like everyone else here. Millions of people have them, hell, I see the homeless sporting iPhones and iPads all the time. Funny for Todd’s girlfriend to look at a $300 phone as a status symbol, but Will, common, you’re better than that.
I was kidding.
I know true love when I see it Will, don’t ever let her go (until the 7 comes out).