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Your job probably requires a lot of terrible things. Sucking up to a boss, a terrible commute, boring and mundane tasks, limited upward mobility, etc. etc. What is likely the absolute worst, though, if your job requires it, is cold calling. Cold calling is the god damn Hunger Games of sales, except instead of being subjected to teenagers wanting to murder you, you’re being subjected to adults who don’t want to speak with you, rejection, and sometimes brutal, honest truths. Unfortunately, for a lot of professions, to build a successful career, you need to be a master of the cold call which requires you to pursue your potential clients with determination and hard headedness. No matter if you do this through the phone, or actually have to haul your ass to certain locations and do it in person, certain aspects always hold true as necessities for a well-executed cold call.
Know The Playbook
There are a lot of things in life where you can just wing it such as the SAT, fast food job interviews, and a best man speech, but without preparation, your cold call will be absolute shit. You may think you can just go with the flow, but if you don’t go over all the conversation possibilities, one well-placed question by the person on the other line and you might as well say wrong number and hang up because they stumped your ass. Whether you have a script given to you or you have to plan out your own call, put the time in because it’ll show if you didn’t. Jordan Belfort may have been a soulless asshat, but he knew that with a solid cold calling script that covered all the bases, he could turn a bunch of young and poorly educated potential drug addicts into young wildly rich and successful drug addicts.
Get To The Quarterback
This is something you get a break on if you’re selling to an individual, but if you’re gunning for a business, this is likely your biggest wall to climb. Yeah, you may know your product or service inside and out, and have the confidence to pitch anyone and everyone, but it doesn’t matter if that everyone includes chumps like you manning the phones for slightly above minimum wage. One of the biggest hurdles in cold calling is getting through the O-Line of the support staff, and no one is more of a Pro Bowl left tackle than the support staff lifer. This person has been on the job for 10+ years and can counter any attempt you have at getting to his/her QB (their manager, GM, owner, anyone who can pull the trigger on a business decision). The sentence “why don’t you just send me an email with your info” is code for “why don’t you send me an email, so I can print it out and use it as a maxi pad if I run out.”
Be Cool In The Pocket
This ties into the preparation, but to be an elite cold caller, you need to be confident and make the person you’re talking to as confident in what you’re selling as you are. If you stumble through your description and pitch, you’re going to get hung up on or told to find a different job. You need to be a damn expert on what you’re selling, and that includes being able to rattle of a flawless answer to any question thrown back your way. I don’t care if you’re selling wet farts, the person on the other line damn well better know that they’ll be getting the wettest farts this side of the Mississippi. To put it in terms any man can understand, don’t be flaccid, be erect and raging.
Lose Like A Damn Champion
You’re going to get told no every damn day from most of the people you talk to. Deal with it. Like with anything, if you sulk like a kid who just got his lunch money stolen every time you’re told no, you might as well pack your shit and work elsewhere. Most people don’t give a shit about what you’re selling, and that’s perfectly fine, so suck it up, move on and find the people who do. This is especially true when trying to sell in person, because while they may not be your customer now, you never know down the road. But, if you look like a scorned mistress when you’re told no, and storm out of there, you better believe you’ll never hear from those people again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to say “Okay, well I appreciate your time, thank you” with a huge shiteating grin on my face, while thinking to myself, “I’d love to punch you right now, fuck everything.” Handling rejection like a grown adult instead of a pussy is the ultimate key to being a successful cold caller.
Now go hit the phones, jackass. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
I’ll cold call Brian and ask him where the hell he has gone
“Remember, you can be whoever you want to be on the phone”
Jay Tas can be a good writer on the phone?
Doubt it
Robin Williams or Adam Sandler could have a field day with the characters they could come up with.
You are half right 🙁
Smile and dial, Goddammit.
I actually wouldn’t mind receiving a cold call from someone selling wet farts, just to hear the sales pitch they would come up with.
The secret is being bold. They won’t remember who you are no matter what you say. But say something bold enough then they’ll remember the something. It ain’t hard if you know you’re better than the person on the other side
I’m an offensive lineman and shut you bitches down on a daily basis. Your tricks are useless so give up while you can.