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Oh, your phone is going off again. Phone call? Alarm going off? Nah. It’s that damn group text firing up again. Almost everyone now has at least one group text with those out of town college or high school friends to keep in touch, enjoy each other’s friendship, and just to talk about random shit. If you don’t, then you need better friends. A text of “Hey guys, you see Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman?” can turn into four hours that ends up with a discussion about wet farts or anal bleaching. You may even have a couple of these messages with different sects of friends, but you see repeats of the same cast of characters in each.
The Instigator
This guy loves group text, and you guys love/hate him for it. He’s the one who always gets it going whenever there’s been a brief 45 minute lull in between texts. Whether it’s the aforementioned Bruce Jenner text, or a screenshot of some sports related tweet, or the classic “Remember that time when…?” text, over his dead body will this group text go inactive, because he knows how close this group is and that they all need each other. Either that or he is just disgustingly bored all the time and is really bad at his job and needs something to do. Regardless, you better hope you’ve done the software upgrade on your phone, because if you can’t mute a conversation, this guy is going to haunt your inbox forever.
The Genius Still In School
His intelligence radiates throughout the text, and he’s racking up the degrees to prove it — Bachelors, Masters, PhD, the whole sha-bang-bang. While he doesn’t hold it over you, whatsoever, because he knows deep down you’re all the same sort of drunken shitbag, his dedication to academic excellence and life success makes his texting availability very limited. This can sometimes throw off the dynamic, as his astute and collected opinions are always a valuable asset, not to mention that it drives The Instigator batshit crazy, because his life revolves around making sure everyone is involved in the text at all times.
The Genius Still Living With His Parents
He’s the smartest guy in any room he’s in, but that room just usually happens to be at his parents’ house. The driving comedic force behind the text, no one is a bigger smartass than this guy. He’s overqualified for his current job, but he couldn’t care less because it works around his drinking schedule. You know that at some point, he’s going to have a dream job and a smokeshow wife who he’s horrifyingly apathetic toward, but for now, he’s content playing a lot of video games, drinking with his high school friends, and just generally being a scumbag.
The Engaged Guy
He’s extremely faithful to his fiancé, but make no mistake, he lets you know what he thinks about every other woman. He also has the most hilariously filthy descriptions you’ve ever heard. This guy could make Howard Stern’s jaw drop. One of the most common group text topics is the debauchery that will occur at his wedding, all of which would horrify his bride and make her think about just getting hitched in a courthouse with no guests. He spends a lot of time with his fiancé and her friends, which gives him plenty of time to ignore what they’re talking about to rant about what really grinds his gears on the text.
The Drunk
He chimes in the least because he’s drunk the most. He’s experienced enough college to where he can say he went to college, but he’s shown about as much interest in finishing up his degree as the Angels have shown in supporting Josh Hamilton. You all continually trash his lifestyle while wondering what it would be like to still be able to be above the legal limit 85% of the day while wearing a cologne called “Last Night’s Random.” His grocery list consists of only beer and condoms, with more of the latter, because that guy burns through more rubber than a Firestone factory. His most common contribution to the discussion is interrupting the current topic with “Guess what I did last night.” And, as you listen to him tell his belligerent tale, you acknowledge the excitement and freedom of his lifestyle, but you also wonder how he doesn’t have AIDS. He’s the most loyal friend of the bunch, but also the one who will give a profanity filled slurred speech at your wedding and sleep with half the bridesmaids..
Image via YouTube
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
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Too bad the guy without a smart phone doesn’t exist anymore. He was always the best to add to a group text.
This article was better when D Man wrote it two months ago…….
I’m sure it would have been even better if Brian had written it today.
I wish Brian was in my group chat. He’d be great.
#5: The guy who has the time to constantly bitch about everyone else apparently having so much free time at work to post in group text. F that guy.
THIS. Fuck that guy.