Lazy Ass Boston Woman Uses Tinder To Find Someone To Help Her Shovel Out Her Car

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No, you perverts. I’m saying she literally wanted someone to shovel her car out from under a massive snowbank in Boston. The verb “to shovel” should NEVER be used in reference to anything sexual in nature. Let’s get back on track here.

Susan Zalkind of Boston Daily found herself staring a huge problem in the face. Her car was buried under a gigantic snowbank on a slushy Boston street and she wasn’t in the possession of neither a snow shovel or the motivation to do actual manual labor due to a “stomach bug.” So, why would she subject herself to the torture that would be taking 10 minutes of digging your car out of the snow like a responsible, property owning adult and just defer that responsibility to desperate, horny dudes on Tinder? I’m not buying the stomach bug thing.

From her column on Boston Daily:

I swiped right exactly a dozen times. Instead of looking for men I was necessarily attracted to, I looked for men who seemed especially wholesome. (If only this Venn diagram had a greater overlap, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this predicament at all.) In less than 15 minutes, I got 11 matches and three offers. It probably helped that it was the Friday before Valentine’s Day. I checked that my roommate would be home, and moved forward on a first come, first shovel basis.

He proved me wrong. The next morning, he showed up with a shovel and an ice pick, and he did not kill me. He got to work shoveling out my car while I picked up a coffee and a scone for him. I don’t live very close to a café, so I was gone for about 45 minutes. When I came back, my car was mostly shoveled out. I helped, we chatted—mostly about his ex—and before I knew it, my car was free. Ted wasn’t creepy at all. I think he just got a kick out of being chivalrous and having a little company on Valentine’s Day.

Fair enough. Ted seems like a good guy. And I respect the effort on Zalkind’s end. I wish people would get more creative with stuff like this. In fairness, Ted probably thought he was gonna get some between the sheets with Suze in exchange for the fruits of his labor. It was Valentine’s Day after all.

Then she did it again. This is where she crosses the line. Boston got slammed with more snow and she decided to use Tinder to dangle nookie in exchange for manual labor that she probably could’ve done herself in exchange for not sex.

I went with the IT specialist, a 29-year-old I’ll call Brian. We wrote back and forth for a little bit and it sounded like he was looking for a somewhat serious relationship. Instead of abandoning him to go get coffee, I made strawberry banana muffins so I could spend a little more time getting to know what he was all about.

The next afternoon Brian came over and got to work. Sparks weren’t exactly flying, but I tried to keep an open mind—that is, until he told me he had a wife. I watched him dig his shovel into a heavy mound of ice chunks, as he explained this whole open relationship thing. In another situation, the wife thing would have been a deal-breaker. But so long as he kept digging, at least it wasn’t a total waste of my time.

Okay, I’ll actually defend her. Brian did himself no favors in disclosing that he and his wife have an “open relationship.” The fastest way to weird out anyone with a semblance of a moral code is to tell them that you and your partner have an “open relationship.” Bri-guy might have found himself headed for open waters had he just kept his mouth shut about the whole swinger thing.

I think I’ll declare myself as a member of #TeamSusan here. She was sick (so she claims) and dudes be dudes. Why not use that to your advantage? Smart move. Expert (albeit a tad shady) use of Tinder. But if she wasn’t sick, then this is just shady as hell.

See all of Susan’s pics and her Tinder profile HERE..

[via Boston Daily]

Image via Shutterstock

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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