9 Very Important Questions I Have About Penises

9 Very Important Questions I Have About Penises

If there’s one thing that truly bums me out in this life (other than the fact that I wasn’t born genetically capable of promoting detox tea on my Instagram), it’s that I’ll never, to my knowledge, at least, have a penis. It’s not so much that I want one. It’s just disappointing that I’ll never get to see what life is like with one because from what I understand, they’re a hell of a time. And so, since it seems that I’ll never have a summer sausage hanging between my legs, I’ve been left with these burning questions about pork swords. Help me if you can, or forever hold your penis. Wait. Peace! I mean, peace.

Do you do a special cleaning routine?

When girls get ready for a hookup, there’s a whole pre-bang routine that goes on. Most likely less than 24 hours before, she removes all of the hair from her eyeballs down. Then, she moisturizes every hour on the hour until her skin resembles that of a velvet love seat (even though let’s be real, his face is gonna be the seat soon, if you know what I mean). Two hours before meeting up with him, she’ll clean her entire body, which is not limited to shoving a whole bar of soap up her vagina and/or putting a car air freshener in there to keep things smelling nice. Then, finally, right after they start making out but before he gives her the 7 minutes of required oral before sticking it in, she’ll run to the bathroom to wash her vagina in the sink one last time.

So, I guess my question is, guys, do you do anything like that? At all? Do you make sure to prune the hedges before a big night? Do you clean it in the bathroom before coming to bed or do you just assume she’ll be fine with your haven’t-showered-in-two-days-even-though-it’s-100-degrees-outside stank?

If you haven’t done any special cleaning routine, do you think about it before sex/oral?

Most girls have a moment of panic if a guy is about to go down on them and they haven’t showered in the past 30 minutes. Things get sweaty, stuff gets ripe. But it seems to me that guys do not have that same response. At all. From my understanding, they could have just come back from a four-month trek through the jungle, without showering or grooming, and they would still just lay back, arms behind their heads, not a care in the world if a female starting going down south. How off-base am I here? Does he think about it for a second and say “fuck it,” or does it never cross his mind that he’s a disgusting human?

Are you actually self-conscious about your size and/or the look of it?

I know we make size jokes all the time but at this point, I sincerely don’t know how guys feel about their size/shape. Sure, everyone wants a big ole penis (right?), but what, exactly does it feel like if you have one? Do you have more confidence? What about if you’re working with something more average-sized? Do you care, or do you get over it after about 9th grade? And what about anything curved? Does that make you think twice about stripping down, or do you just plan to make a whole bunch of money in the future so it doesn’t matter?

From a female perspective, let me just say (for any bruised egos up to this point), we don’t care *that* much. Sure, something a little on the bigger side is impressive and all, but what we really look for in a guy is a sense of humor, genuine kindness, and the understanding that he’s going to have to take 57 pictures of us anytime we walk in front of an Instagram-worthy wall. So, relax. Your dick is fine.

If you’re uncircumcised, what’s that whole situation like?

I mean, obviously it’s not like you know a different life, but what’s it like having an uncut penis? Do you have to do extra cleaning to make it not smell like an old shoe? Do you warn potential mates before exposing it to sunlight, or do you just go with the flow? Has anyone ever been mean to you and called you Snuffleupagus? Do you want to get the skin cut off, or do you like that fact that you seem more exotic than the same ole dicks we all see every moment of our lives (girls look at dicks every moment of their lives, just FYI. That’s why we’re always looking at our phones and smiling).

Why do you think it’s okay to push a girl’s head down mid or before a blowie?

Is that a porn thing? Because I can promise you, that shit is not okay.

How often do you get boners during shows or movies with nudity and/or sex?

Pretty much every single thing we watch nowadays has to do with sex. Hell, I can’t even get through commercials without having to go outside, get a hose, and spray down all of the males in the apartment because an old Hardee’s ad came on. I feel like, since so much is sexualized now, and since guys get turned on easily (I think?), it must be pretty brutal to be unable to watch anything without everything coming alive down below.

So, how often do you have to grab a pillow and hide your pants while watching TV? If a couple starts making out? If two girls start making out? If there’s female nudity? If someone makes intense eye-contact? And what do you do, if anything, to stop it?

Which is ultimately better, sex or blow jobs? What do they feel like?

This is probably a hard question (hi-oh), and I know everyone will most likely have a different opinion. But for plenty of ladies, oral is like, way, way, wayyyy better than good ole penetration. I feel like that’s a given (and if it wasn’t, then I am so glad we had this talk). Obviously, guys are created just a little bit differently, and from what I understand, putting a penis in a warm, wet thing feels good basically no matter what. That said, is one thing better than another? Is a blow job better because you get to just lay there and take it, or is sex better because it’s a classic? If you could only have one for the rest of your life, which would you choose? And if you had to choose between that and stuffed-crust pizza, what would be the verdict?

What’s it like when sex or a blow job is bad?

So, apparently, sometimes a girl can be bad at the art of making love with one or all of her orifices. What does that mean, and how, as a female, can you tell if you’re bad? Asking 100 percently for myself.

Finally what exactly, does an orgasm feel like?

I know the pie metaphor. I know the “It’s like a hug for your penis” metaphor. But from how guys act, it’s a whole lot better than pie and hugs. So, what exactly does it feel like, and why doesn’t it feel that good for the ladies?

Lay some wisdom on me, gents. I know it must suck talking about your dicks, but someone’s gotta man up and do it.

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Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there.

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