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If there’s one thing that truly bums me out in this life (other than the fact that I wasn’t born genetically capable of promoting detox tea on my Instagram), it’s that I’ll never, to my knowledge, at least, have a penis. It’s not so much that I want one. It’s just disappointing that I’ll never get to see what life is like with one because from what I understand, they’re a hell of a time. And so, since it seems that I’ll never have a summer sausage hanging between my legs, I’ve been left with these burning questions about pork swords. Help me if you can, or forever hold your penis. Wait. Peace! I mean, peace.
Do you do a special cleaning routine?
When girls get ready for a hookup, there’s a whole pre-bang routine that goes on. Most likely less than 24 hours before, she removes all of the hair from her eyeballs down. Then, she moisturizes every hour on the hour until her skin resembles that of a velvet love seat (even though let’s be real, his face is gonna be the seat soon, if you know what I mean). Two hours before meeting up with him, she’ll clean her entire body, which is not limited to shoving a whole bar of soap up her vagina and/or putting a car air freshener in there to keep things smelling nice. Then, finally, right after they start making out but before he gives her the 7 minutes of required oral before sticking it in, she’ll run to the bathroom to wash her vagina in the sink one last time.
So, I guess my question is, guys, do you do anything like that? At all? Do you make sure to prune the hedges before a big night? Do you clean it in the bathroom before coming to bed or do you just assume she’ll be fine with your haven’t-showered-in-two-days-even-though-it’s-100-degrees-outside stank?
If you haven’t done any special cleaning routine, do you think about it before sex/oral?
Most girls have a moment of panic if a guy is about to go down on them and they haven’t showered in the past 30 minutes. Things get sweaty, stuff gets ripe. But it seems to me that guys do not have that same response. At all. From my understanding, they could have just come back from a four-month trek through the jungle, without showering or grooming, and they would still just lay back, arms behind their heads, not a care in the world if a female starting going down south. How off-base am I here? Does he think about it for a second and say “fuck it,” or does it never cross his mind that he’s a disgusting human?
Are you actually self-conscious about your size and/or the look of it?
I know we make size jokes all the time but at this point, I sincerely don’t know how guys feel about their size/shape. Sure, everyone wants a big ole penis (right?), but what, exactly does it feel like if you have one? Do you have more confidence? What about if you’re working with something more average-sized? Do you care, or do you get over it after about 9th grade? And what about anything curved? Does that make you think twice about stripping down, or do you just plan to make a whole bunch of money in the future so it doesn’t matter?
From a female perspective, let me just say (for any bruised egos up to this point), we don’t care *that* much. Sure, something a little on the bigger side is impressive and all, but what we really look for in a guy is a sense of humor, genuine kindness, and the understanding that he’s going to have to take 57 pictures of us anytime we walk in front of an Instagram-worthy wall. So, relax. Your dick is fine.
If you’re uncircumcised, what’s that whole situation like?
I mean, obviously it’s not like you know a different life, but what’s it like having an uncut penis? Do you have to do extra cleaning to make it not smell like an old shoe? Do you warn potential mates before exposing it to sunlight, or do you just go with the flow? Has anyone ever been mean to you and called you Snuffleupagus? Do you want to get the skin cut off, or do you like that fact that you seem more exotic than the same ole dicks we all see every moment of our lives (girls look at dicks every moment of their lives, just FYI. That’s why we’re always looking at our phones and smiling).
Why do you think it’s okay to push a girl’s head down mid or before a blowie?
Is that a porn thing? Because I can promise you, that shit is not okay.
How often do you get boners during shows or movies with nudity and/or sex?
Pretty much every single thing we watch nowadays has to do with sex. Hell, I can’t even get through commercials without having to go outside, get a hose, and spray down all of the males in the apartment because an old Hardee’s ad came on. I feel like, since so much is sexualized now, and since guys get turned on easily (I think?), it must be pretty brutal to be unable to watch anything without everything coming alive down below.
So, how often do you have to grab a pillow and hide your pants while watching TV? If a couple starts making out? If two girls start making out? If there’s female nudity? If someone makes intense eye-contact? And what do you do, if anything, to stop it?
Which is ultimately better, sex or blow jobs? What do they feel like?
This is probably a hard question (hi-oh), and I know everyone will most likely have a different opinion. But for plenty of ladies, oral is like, way, way, wayyyy better than good ole penetration. I feel like that’s a given (and if it wasn’t, then I am so glad we had this talk). Obviously, guys are created just a little bit differently, and from what I understand, putting a penis in a warm, wet thing feels good basically no matter what. That said, is one thing better than another? Is a blow job better because you get to just lay there and take it, or is sex better because it’s a classic? If you could only have one for the rest of your life, which would you choose? And if you had to choose between that and stuffed-crust pizza, what would be the verdict?
What’s it like when sex or a blow job is bad?
So, apparently, sometimes a girl can be bad at the art of making love with one or all of her orifices. What does that mean, and how, as a female, can you tell if you’re bad? Asking 100 percently for myself.
Finally what exactly, does an orgasm feel like?
I know the pie metaphor. I know the “It’s like a hug for your penis” metaphor. But from how guys act, it’s a whole lot better than pie and hugs. So, what exactly does it feel like, and why doesn’t it feel that good for the ladies?
Lay some wisdom on me, gents. I know it must suck talking about your dicks, but someone’s gotta man up and do it..
Image via YouTube
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
well, a vagina doesnt have any teeth (normally) so bad sex isnt nearly as awful as bad oral
Teeth?! Involvement of teeth is soooo rare; should be the farthest thing on your mind when you think of bad oral. Bad oral is way more common due to like, grabbing the shaft so hard like she’s some kinda fucking snake wrangler. Or not going down far enough and thinking we can finish if she goes at it like it’s a tootsie pop
Dry = the worst, end of discussion.
Do yourself a favor and never watch the movie ‘Teeth’
Thats what (normally) was referring to
I’m gonna check back in on these comments over the next few hours…for science.
If the picture is you, sup? If the picture isn’t you, still, sup?
Smooth
Dude.. She’s literally a writer on this site
Sup?
T-money:
Furniture shopping, my place. Don’t tell your boyfriend.
-DJT
Like the world’s most satisfying sneeze.
I’d say more like peeing after you’ve been holding it for a long time. But times 1000
Yes. This.
Oooh. Yup. Or some combination of the two, maybe.
I would like to add the feeling after you get a 20 minute deep-tissue massage to this combo.
If you move the “n” several characters to the left and rotate 90 degrees, your name would be “microp” and thus very unfortunate for this particular article.
Rico, maybe lay off the Adderall for the rest of the day.
Had a real tough time reading the rest of this after mentally picturing the various women I’ve had excuse themselves to my bathroom prior to sexy time, only to know that each and every one of them was washing their vaginas in my sink.
Thanks for that…
What did you think they were doing?
And you’re welcome for freshening up.
Need details, my sink is pretty high off the floor and not sure a girl of average height could captain morgan it
Oh, I had every notion that they were “freshening up.” I just didn’t wasn’t mentally prepared for the visual along the way… Apparently life comes at you fast.
Various women… nice
Q1 & Q2. Special cleaning routine?
A. Just shower properly 1 to 2 times a day (always immediately after workouts) and everything should be fine.
Q3. Are you actually self-conscious about your size and/or the look of it?
A. After playing 4 years of college football and seeing hundreds of other dicks in the locker room/team showers, I believe most guys are right around average. Micro p’s and ridiculously hung dudes seems rare, so no.
Q4: If you’re uncircumcised, what’s that whole situation like?
A. N/A
Q5: Why do you think it’s okay to push a girl’s head down mid or before a blowie?
A. Gently placing my hand on her head or holding her hair mid blowie has never resulted in any problems. Who are these psychos you’ve hooked up with that are aggressively forcing your head down further mid fellatio?
Q6. How often do you get boners during shows or movies with nudity and/or sex?
A. Rarely ever now. I’m not in middle school anymore. I don’t even get boners mid hook up sometimes until the girl goes to second and third base.
Q7. Which is ultimately better, sex or blow jobs? What do they feel like?
A. Can’t live without either and don’t plan on ever not having either. Good hookups require both. Girl’s who “don’t do blowjobs” @TSMVeronica (and guy’s who don’t go down for that matter) are really stupid and selfish. No one likes to hook up with someone who’s selfish in bed.
Q8. What’s it like when sex or a blow job is bad?.
A. Disappointing, but rare.
Q9. Finally what exactly, does an orgasm feel like?
A. Complete relief and release.
I would add that while I don’t get boners during nude scenes etc. I still get NARBs (No Apparent Reason Boner) all the time.
I prefer the term Roner for random boner
The last hookup that gave me oral literally bit my testicle… so I’ll take bad sex for $500, Alex.
With how often I’ve read guy’s complain about teeth during a blowjob, I legitimately don’t understand how there are still women out there still using teeth in anyway.
I don’t think it really that common. It’s just that every guy has had it happen at least once and it was so painful it stuck with us.
Read: high school horror stories. Might have to write a column
If only. I’ve had probably three teeth incidents since post grad.
“So what exactly does it feel like, and why doesn’t it feel that good for the ladies?”
Guessing you’ve never truly climaxed in your life because research and personal anecdotal evidence indicate women have way more powerful orgasms than men do.
This. If a genie granted me three wishes, one of them would be to experience female orgasms.
Btw, for ladies who’ve never experienced one, I’d recommend a Hitachi wand and a bubble bath
Your wife must be one happy person
She is, thanks.
If I knew what nights I were going to get laid, I’d present everything perfectly polished on a satin pillow with candles lit around my apartment and Marvin Gaye on the stereo. Unfortunately, definitively deciding that something is going to happen is not a luxury I am afforded. Until then: trim, scrub, squirt of cologne under sack and maybe a little bathroom helicoptering to air it out a little just before the (perfectly respectable) show.
You put cologne under your sack?
I’m not on trial here
Someone clearly likes their salads. . .
I really don’t feel like doing work right now so here it goes…
Do you do a special cleaning routine?
No different than how I wash the rest of my body
If you haven’t done any special cleaning routine, do you think about it before sex/oral?
May trim the hedges but don’t really think about it too much
Are you actually self-conscious about your size and/or the look of it?
Maybe pre college me did, but as you get older you just don’t care that much when you realize girls don’t actually seem to care that much either
If you’re uncircumcised, what’s that whole situation like?
Can’t answer that one
Why do you think it’s okay to push a girl’s head down mid or before a blowie?
Verbalizing wanting one probably wouldn’t be much better would it?
How often do you get boners during shows or movies with nudity and/or sex?
Sure, I mean we get NARB’s (No Apparent Reason Boner) from time to time so when there is a reason, the odds are ever in the boners favor.
Which is ultimately better, sex or blow jobs? What do they feel like?
A great BJ is better than bad sex. Okay sex is better than a great BJ, but that may just be me
What’s it like when sex or a blow job is bad?
Sex: still pretty fun regardless BJ: when I think of bad, I think of teeth, so pretty painful I guess?
Finally what exactly, does an orgasm feel like?
I would have to say the world’s most satisfying sneeze is about the best explanation I have heard
These seem like a whole lot of answers that nobody should give in much detail on a public forum.
No, we need answers.
Prude
Name checks out