8 Of The Most Pervy, Soul-Sucking Jobs I’ve Sort Of Considered

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Upon graduating college, having to pay back my student loans, and living a lifestyle absolutely out of my means, I’ve quickly realized that something has to change. After a quick look at my bank account and credit score (and a slight panic attack) last week, it’s come to my attention that I would, in fact, like to make more money. A novel concept, right?

And while the idea of getting more zeros in my account seems great, there’s one teeny tiny problem: I’m a lazy piece of shit. I don’t want to work extra hard, I don’t really want to spend extra hours doing it, and I’d rather sell my soul than have to go into another office building.

So, I started researching the best ways to make a little side money and the results have been absurd, to say the least. I could spend hours taking online quizzes for pennies or walk dogs around the neighborhood, but that takes both time and sunlight, two things I’d rather avoid. After a lot of thought, I’ve come up with a few really despicable jobs that, if I’m being honest, I considered seriously for a good minute or two. Now, don’t worry relatives, future employers, or potential grad schools if I ever decide to get that extra degree that I have no use for — I don’t plan to get involved in any of these. That said, if anyone is looking for someone to promote their new line of waist trainers, I know someone who could maybe help you out…

8. Some Sort Of Pyramid Scheme

Now, for full honesty sake, I actually have already fallen into this trap. While it doesn’t involve selling my body, it did involve selling my self-esteem. And sure, while hyped up on hydrocodone after a surgery, it seemed like a good idea to “become my own boss” and “take charge of my life from the ground up.” After coming out of my drug-induced haze, however, I realized the shame of spamming my friends and family to “be a part of this amazing opportunity that TOTALLY CHANGED MY LIFE” was just too much of a price for me to pay. So, I used the products, cut my losses, and canceled my account. Or did it?! (Side note, if anyone wants to take charge of their financial future and be the leader of their own life, SEND ME A MESSAGE TODAY!!!!!!!!!)

7. Something Involving The Fetish Scene

Now, before all you Judgy McAssholes jump to conclusions, I’m not talking about anything involving like, torture, animal blood, or like, denying people Instagram likes who obviously deserve them. I’m not a sadist. No, I mean some casual foot or hand stuff where my face and identity are totally hidden. You know, stamping on grapes, fondling some fruit with my soft, baby-like hands. Not only do I think I’d really kill it in the industry, but I’d probably be able to write off all of my manis and pedis come tax season. While the thought of people jerking off to my janky ass feet is sort of weird, honestly? There’s worse shit out there.

6. Selling My Underwear Online

After this trend went big thanks to Orange Is The New Black, everyone was quickly Googling “how to sell my dirty panties online.” And sure, we all saw the sites that offered a small monthly fee to sell in their marketplaces. We all read the dangers of putting your, well, pussy, out there. We all learned that you can’t accept payment via Venmo or Paypal and could only take like, Amazon credit which seems like bullshit. And while all of that was a drag (oh, and the whole, having to wear underwear for days and days/selling my panties to creeps on the internet which is something I don’t know how I feel about morally), the most annoying part was getting an audience. I’ve been working on building a following since I was obsessed with attention in middle school. The few thousand followers I have over my accounts are my pride and joy. The fact that I have to START FROM SCRATCH just to sell some skid marked underwear was enough to piss me off and call off the whole mission.

5. Being A Cam Girl

This is where things start to get a little dodgier. I mean, first of all, people would see my face. That’s just a given. That’s part of the whole deal. And second of all, I’d have to like, do things on camera. From my limited knowledge of this field thanks to seedy Netflix documentaries, basically, it’s a whole bunch of nerdy guys who will ask me to like, shove dildos up my ass. That’s not something me nor my asshole is comfortable with in private, let alone for a whole chatroom to see. And while that’s bad, the fact that I’d have to make small talk with randos about their novels/favorite video games/weird relationships with their fathers is the real kicker.

4. Whoring Myself Out On Social Media

Now, this is when we start getting into the realm of truly unrealistic possibilities. But hey, maybe if I used the gym membership I drunkenly purchased on New Year’s Eve, and cut out basically everything in my normal daily diet, I’d have a shot. You know, assuming (as one would) that my photos were perfectly posed, edited, and lit. Now, I’m not sure how, exactly, showing my ass or laying on my bed half naked would get me money, but enough bitches do it on social media, so they have to get paid in more than just the validation from guys who can’t string together coherent sentences. Right? The only problem? My grandma, aunt, ex-boyfriend’s mom, and employers who all follow me would see my awkward bed poses as well, and I wouldn’t wish that on any of them.

3. Be A Sugar Baby

I mean, this is getting to be the big leagues. First of all, I couldn’t count on lighting or editing to fix me, so I’d have to get really hot, which is a job in itself. And second of all, there’s the whole, “sex with old men” thing is a bit of a bummer. I mean sure, all sex is a transaction and blah blah blah. But something about getting a physical check for it sounds like the ultimate dream a little too much to handle.

2. I Mean, At This Point Let’s Just Throw Porn Or Prostitution In There, Right?

I mean, the only difference between this and Sugar Babying is the duration of the relationship. I’m not saying I’ve seriously considered porn or prostitution. Calm down, mom. I’m just saying that when you watch movies or TV shows, it doesn’t look that bad (until you get to the end and their lives completely fall apart). The only exception is Pretty Woman and like, shit really worked out for her so…

1. Promoting Teatoxes, Teeth Whiteners, And Protein Drinks

Easily the grossest of all the potential jobs, this is the true rock bottom. We’ve all, at our lowest points, considered becoming an “Instagram model” to promote shoddy products that don’t actually work. And while selling your body to old men online or behind the local 7-Eleven seems shameful, something about telling everyone to buy a drink that makes you shit your guts out seems like a pretty close second. I’m sure my father would agree..

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com

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