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This weekend an old college buddy of mine is coming to town. For weeks, I’ve been looking forward to catching up, waxing nostalgic, and partaking in some of the activities which we enjoyed while in the pursuit of higher education — namely drinking our faces off. As the years go by, whenever I meet up with college friends, we insist on partying as if we’re still in the dorms. It’s a bond that I hope we will continue to celebrate well into my later years. Hell, if I croak at 82, mid beer bong, surrounded by college legends, it’ll be with smile across my face. But as we try to relive the glory days, there’s something that doesn’t match our enthusiasm or our body’s ability to bounce back. The game is the same, but the players have changed. So here is a list of things to help deal with the weekend bender as you try and party like a younger you.
Caffeine
Every year of being a slave to the 9-to-5 changes you. You don’t notice it at first. It’s a slow transition that sneaks up on you like dad bod, but every morning it’s a little harder to sleep in, and every night it’s a little harder to stay up. So we turn to caffeine, a pillar of the postgrad lifestyle. This weekend, you’ll wage war against your internal clock and the depressant nature of alcohol. Sure, drinking is fun, but the end game is getting you down. Stimulants will help fight back and keep the pace.
Flask
After years of professional drinking, your tolerance will leave you vulnerable to lulls in your buzz, so having an available source of alcohol on you at all times is absolutely essential. Over the weekend, you’ll find yourself in situations in which alcohol isn’t readily available. Long uber between bars? Take a rip. Morning after got you on the ropes? Irish up that Starbucks. Last call has come and gone? Not for you it hasn’t.
Advil
A principal weapon in your arsenal to take on the inevitable hangover. Advil will help take the edge off enough to make you a functioning human being so you can get some shit done, particularly putting on a pot of coffee and grabbing the whiskey. This will help push back your suffering until Monday, when you can reevaluate your life, stare into a screen, and get paid all at the same time.
Sunglasses
Day time is going to be tough. Lack of sleep and early onset hangover will have your body in rough shape, and one of the biggest victims will be your eyes. The sun, normally your compadre in all things good like sexy tan lines and day drinking, is now your mortal enemy. Puffy red eyes, blurred vision, and light sensitivity will have you looking terrible, and well, actually looking terrible. Ergo sunglasses, the barrier between your drunken degenerate state and the real world.
Antacids
The recipe for a proper bender weekend calls for one part booze, two parts beer, three servings of pizza, six measures of coffee, one portion of McDonald’s Dollar Menu equal to that of $5, and a splash of Red Bull. Season lightly with cigarettes over 48 hours and voila! You now have a boiling cauldron of acid and fire simmering in your gut. Dad bod isn’t just an external appearance, you’ve got dad bod on the inside too. Long ago are the days when your gut could handle this abuse. Not to worry, pop some Tums and you’ll be ready for that shot of Fireball and late night Dominos.
Pedialyte
Electrolyte packed hydration concoction to help bring your body back to life. Gatorade is for 4th grade soccer practice. Pedialyte was designed and developed in a pharmaceutical laboratory and you can bet that those nerds know how to party. Its target customer may be small children, but you are about to enter a state of infancy in both your decision making and nutrition. Embrace it, and enjoy the ride.
Determination
I’m not going to lie to you: it’s going to be tough. You’ll have to dig deep on this one and really push to see what you’re made of. There will be times when you’re teetering on the edge of complete misery — when you feel out of your league and can’t carry on. In those times, remember: Mind over matter. If the Placebo effect can work, so can this. So mentally subtract five years from your age and throw back that shot.
Sick Days
The older you get, the worse your hangovers are. You knew that. No longer are the days of throwing back a casual 8-10 beers on a Thursday and waking up in time for that 9 a.m. Friday Bio lab. Considering that you’re pushing yourself this weekend, there’s no telling the shape you’ll be in come Monday morning. Consider this paid sick day your Plan B, doubling as a safety net as well as peace of mind for you to leave it all on the table this weekend.
There you have it, the essentials for surviving a postgrad weekend bender. This should help carry you from that first beer Friday night all the way to dropping off your friend at the airport. All there is left to do is go home, throw on the TV, crash on the sofa, and enjoy a big ol’ mug of sunday scaries..
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Respond
9. A friend who is willing to pull a throwback college bender.
The older I get, the harder it is to recognize my old friends.
Pedialye has saved my life
9. Fun.