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I’ve been living with my girlfriend for about two years now. We’ve come a long way from sharing a house with three other women, and it’s been nothing but smooth sailing since we decided to co-habitate (or as my mother calls it, “Three’s Company”, starring JR, the Capital R and Satan).
She’s been with one company since we met – in that same time period I’ve changed jobs twice. Fortunately for her, she just took a different, albeit better opportunity in her respective field and she recently gave the yahoos at her old place of business her two-week’s notice.
Below is a helpful list of supportive things to say whilst your significant other is going through such a stressful time. These were obviously learned through a series of trials, errors and occasional small acts of vandalism around my apartment. Also, fuck yourself JR for using the word “whilst.”
1. “It’s really important that you weigh the pros and cons this decision will have on each individual in your entire company and any company you might be currently working with.”
Make sure you mull it over out loud a few dozen times and especially focus on bringing it up suddenly with no context to catch the people you live with (me) off-guard.
2. “Yes, I definitely think a going away happy hour, followed by a goodbye lunch capped off with some end of the work week drinks is a reasonable amount of time and money your coworkers should be dedicating to sending you off.”
Don’t forget the basketball game and concert tickets they gave you as “going away presents” as well. Yeah, totally normal.
3. “I think it’s great that you’re keeping track of everybody who’s planning on leaving your old company too and who they might be interviewing with. Keeping a catalogue of this on hand will be mighty helpful later on.”
Again, a big thanks for cluing me in to everybody’s future plans as well. It’s really useful stuff that I’m planning on adding to the scrapbook I’m making about this whole ordeal.
4. “You’re right, there was nobody who could do your job the same way you could. The person who’s taking over for you doesn’t hold a candle to your skill set and you will be dearly missed by everyone.”
It’s not like they haven’t cross-trained somebody to take over your position for when this exact situation comes up.
5. “No yeah, it’s totally normal to mope around the apartment for two weeks as if a relative died. You’re leaving your job and going to a better one. I can see how that can be very traumatic.”
Especially on the heels of that weeklong happy hour/bball game/concert/brunch/Presidential Inauguration you were just given. Heartbreaking stuff.
6. “Of course you’ll still stay close friends with each and every person you worked with. Some you’ll hopefully get even closer with now that you’ve left.”
This is just flat out horseshit. You’ll stop talking to 95% of the people at this company like everybody else does when they leave a job.
7. “I agree. In a way, it’s like you’re leaving your family behind. Coworkers should be like family.”
Not disposable, single-serving human beings who would be completely useless to you if you weren’t all jammed into the same place and forced to work alongside each other in order to put food in your belly.
What can I say? I’m just a supportive guy.
(I’ll be sleeping on the couch if anybody needs me.) .
Image via YouTube
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Maybe I’ll remember this if my girlfriend ever gets a new job. Or if I ever get a girlfriend.
In this Three’s Company scenario, are you Chrissy or Jack?