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As women, we make the same horrible decisions night after night and never seem to learn. Why is it we forget the outcome of the last night the instant we take our first shot of vodka at an Applebee’s happy hour pre-game? Fear not, ladies, because you are not alone.
1. “This red lipstick looks SO good!”
And you’re probably right! Red lipstick not only makes your teeth look whiter than a girl who uses words like “Insta-worthy,” but it changes your whole attitude when going out. It empowers you to outdrink every guy who has a beer gut and throw shade at every girl who even looks at you funny. But it’s right there where the issue lies. Just because your mindset changes doesn’t mean your tolerance and reputation has or should. Ultimately, you’ll blackout, and instead of throwing shade, you’ll throw barstools. Whoops! Bye bye “take home to mom” reputation and hello crazy chick who “just wants to start beef.” Also, there’s a 10 thousand percent chance you’ll look like you’ve just eaten a live bear at the end of the night with all that lipstick smudged on your teeth. Yikes.
2. “Can I borrow your glitter?”
If you’re okay with wearing this for the next week and a half, well then, by all means, proceed. If you’re not trying to show up the next day like you just got back from a Ke$ha concert, use in moderation. And by moderation I mean not at all.
3. “We should try that new bar. You know, the one that my ex always goes to.”
Going out with plans to run into your ex while you look like a smokeshow with all your equally flawless friends is usually just you asking for a bad night and a little (a lotta) bit of attention. For whatever reason, you guys are no longer a thing, and trying to surprise him by showing up in his territory wearing a dress that covers nothing but a snarky smile is probably a terrible idea.
4. “I feel like wearing heels tonight!”
This is a tempting one because a little black dress looks a thousand times better with your new 6-inch pumps than your ugly ballet flats ever will. They even feel awesome as you strut around your tiny apartment, showing off those ridiculous calf muscles you’ve been building up doing 10 toe raises every other week. You convince yourself that you’ve done it before, and can do it again, and proceed to walk out the door in your ankle snapping heels, crying in pain before your foot even touches the floor of a taxi. For the rest of the night, you have to come up with desperate excuses to not have to stand on your pretty, broken toes such as, “Hey guys, why don’t we play a game of Scrabble on this sticky bar floor?” or perhaps “You know what time it is? Time for body shots. Lay me down, gentlemen. Right now.” Do yourself and your dignity a favor and think long term before picking out a pair of shoes for the night.
5. “I’m gonna get ‘third season Marissa Cooper’ drunk Tonight!”
Starting the night with the mentality of drinking until you can no longer feel emotions is a red flag in it’s purest form. You’ll want to go too hard, too fast. 6 tequila shots in 6 minutes? Hell, that doesn’t even sound like a challenge to you. Remember to pace yourself and drink lots of water, your headache will thank you tomorrow.
6. “Can tonight just like seriously be a girls night?”
That’s code for going home with the first 6 or above to buy you a drink before any of your friends. At least be honest with yourself or you’ll be regretting this one.
7. “I didn’t eat all day so my stomach will look flat in this shirt!”
First off, that’s super unhealthy. Second off, that first sip of anything than ends in “sour” is gonna hit you harder than your tab at the end of the night. Not eating before a night of drinking is like not breathing before diving to grab the beer that rolled into the deep end during your hometown pool party. It just doesn’t make sense. An alternative? Run a few miles and eat something before going out instead of starving yourself, it’s more ladylike.
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Topanga
Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Lover of red wine, mediocre gossip, and Corey's whipped ass.
@TopangaPGP
Im going “season 1-8 Barney Stinson” and not caring.
I absolutely hate the phrase “throwing shade”
Six and seven are totally accurate.
I also love red lipstick, but what actually usually happens is guys never talk to you while wearing it so I end up way more sober than usual because I have to buy my own drinks.
“Not eating before a night of drinking is like not breathing before diving to grab the beer that rolled into the deep end during your hometown pool party.”
I don’t know what kind of beer you’ve been drinking at your hometown pool parties, but I guarantee it ain’t sinking.
Canned beer sinks. Voice of experience.
You’re doing it wrong. Buy the blue box of Bud, not the red. Light beers float, they were invented for pool parties and water sports/river floats.
Thanks for the OC reference. ‘Second season Marrissa Cooper’ aka making out with chicks might be a better choice.