Dating is so out. Looking through pictures of locals who might touch your genitals is so in.
1. The workforce has my social life by the balls, which makes it extremely difficult to interact with other humans outside of the office. After eight hours of fake smiling and ass-kissing, the last shit I need is loud music that I don’t even like or drunk strangers spilling beer on my work clothes. Thus, going to the bar is out of the question. Also, talking only to a handful of crusty adults Monday through Friday has done a serious job on my social skills, but strangers on the internet don’t have to know that I’m awkward…yet. All they need are a few filtered pictures of me having fun, a witty tagline, and BOOM — match made in cyber-heaven.
2. Endless opportunities. Well, look at all of those other fish in the sea! And they’re all at your disposal. Although I don’t condone viewing every individual that you ever encounter as having sexy time potential as that is whorish, fucked up, and could land you in jail. But on Tinder it is absolutely acceptable. Humans are dirty, nasty horny animals and this app promotes the fruition of those needs.
3. No hurt feelings. Look at it like this: when you see an ugly person, you don’t tell them that they’re ugly. You just keep walking and then you never even think about them again. Therefore, a swipe to the left is passive rejection. Anyone that you reject on Tinder you never have to see again ever. Unless you know them directly, but that’s a personal problem and I can’t help you there.
4. Self-confidence booster. When was the last time that a stranger looked you in the face and told you that they wanted to fuck you? Unless you’re a famous person or that recently arrested criminal who had every woman and gay man ready to bail him out of jail, that shit doesn’t happen every day. Assuming that your pictures are accurate, it feels good to know that others still perceive you as approachable or even fuckable.
5. Time passer. I’m not saying that Tinder is where spare time goes to die, but in moments of deadly dullness, it’s a totally viable way to power through the boredom. You can also Tinder (yep, it’s a verb) anywhere that has Wi-Fi, which is basically everywhere. Tinder is especially helpful at work. When it’s 3 P.M. and that two-hour stretch until 5:00 seems like the twilight zone, matching with other bored and attractive individuals will help get you out of the cubicle mindset.
6. I’m not ready for a relationship. Perhaps the most pertinent reason why the Tinder flame is still flickering away on my phone. First, the app isn’t a dating website like Match.com or JDate, but it’s also not a shade-ball, Yahoo-esque chat site. It’s for people like me — lazy, horny, and bored — who want to bang, but can’t fully commit to another person. Second, I’m quite certain that the app’s creators didn’t make Tinder with the intention of holy matrimony. How serious about love are you if you look to a fucking mobile application to serve as your matchmaker? Honey, Linda, listen…no. Tinder is for the sick individuals like myself that want to find another person to touch genitals with, but only briefly so that we can both be on our merry ways. I can’t go more than 18 hours before I have an unrelenting urge to sit alone in my underwear and make friendship bracelets – similar to the way that dudes sit around with their hands cupped around their balls and fart while they watch hockey. There’s no way in hell that I am ready to let another individual encroach on my sacred ‘me time’, especially because I am certain that many of my other weirdo habits would also pose a threat to most any relationship. Which is why I am quite all right here, alone, with dozens of other individuals who are also tapping my green heart on Tinder.