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Orgasms are great. The best, really. That’s why songs, movies, and entire aisles at the bookstore that you’re embarrassed to go down exist. That said, 69ing? That shit is not great. In theory, it’s a good idea. If we’re both going down on each other, we’re both getting off. What isn’t to love? The problem is that normally, 69ing doesn’t exactly work out how we thought. Or maybe it does work out how we thought, but we just always think it’s going to be better than it is. Because once you graduate college and have a few sober sexual encounters, you quickly realize that 69ing kinda sucks. You know, literally.
So, here are a few ways to make the position we used to think we loved, into something actually tolerable again. Because if anyone’s a fan of getting off as efficiently as possible so that they can eat some takeout and watch HBO before passing out at 10:30 p.m., it’s us.
You know what’s better than having your genitals half-heartedly slurped on while you unenthusiastically slurp on someone else’s genitals? Getting a shoulder massage. Now, hear me out. Instead of both people sort of giving it their all, you delegate the tasks. One person really commits to the oral work, and the other really commits to kneading the knots out of their shoulders. I mean, you’re in the perfect position. All they have to do is reach down (which they were going to do already), and just massage the area where you carry tension because you sit at a computer 50+ hours a week. This is more of a win-win than traditional 69ing will ever be.
I’m sure no one has thought of this one before. But like, what if, instead of just listening to the sounds of awkward squishing and looking at a literal anus, you had some kinky background noise as well as some solid visuals to go along with it? I mean, sure. Gazing into your loved one’s taint might get some people going, but they’re probably liars.
I’m not saying this is the most romantic or ~sensual~ idea, but it does have a certain allure to it. I mean, how boring does it get when your nose is in someone’s asshole and you just keep robotically doing the same things over and over and over until hopefully, someone comes and you can put on whatever show you’re halfway through rewatching for the third time. Instead of just crouching there in oral hell, turn on Netflix and let the other person enjoy him/herself as you stare at the screen and count down the moments until you can brush your teeth and order some pizza.
Wear Noise-Cancelling Headphones
I’m not saying it will solve everything. But it will at least take the “sucking up the last noodle out of your all you can eat pasta bowl at Olive Garden” sound out of the equation, and hey, that’s something. Right?
Now, this isn’t so much of 69ing as someone just gets to sit there and pig out, but whatever. I think it’s a better option. First, you choose who is going to be gettin’ it, just like in traditional oral. Maybe you flip a coin, play rock-paper-scissors, or just debate who is actually a shittier human. However you decide, one person is the giver and one person is the receiver. Except for the difference? This time the receiver doesn’t just get off. No, they get off while eating their favorite food. Just imagine, having an orgasm while ice cream dribbles out of your mouth. Sure, this isn’t an “everyone wins” situation, but if we’re being honest, neither is 69ing.
Just Cut Your Losses And Scrap The Idea
You know what’s better than 69ing? Watching a documentary about Medieval torture. Or eating a frozen pizza that sort of cuts the roof of your mouth. Getting your teeth flossed at the dentist. Literally, almost anything in the world is better than 69ing. Sure, it might feel like you’re losing your youth by admitting it, but in reality you’re just learning what our parents and their parents before them and their parents before them (gag) learned: There’s only one way to make 69ing truly bearable — deciding to never, ever, do it again..