6 Completely Valid Reasons You Should Be Going Batshit Crazy For The World Cup

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It’s easy to criticize soccer It’s boring. It’s too slow. There’s not enough scoring. Flops. So many flops. It’s really, really boring.

I personally love the World Cup. I find watching a game quietly by myself to be meditative and soothing. In that fashion, soccer is the sports equivalent of reading a book, while the NFL on FOX harkens to seeing “The Expendables 2” in a movie theater. I’m a big fan of either, depending on my mood. However, trying to explain to someone via your personal feelings as to why they should enjoy soccer is always a fruitless effort, because…

…Dude. It’s so boring.

But, that’s not to say there aren’t some tangible points to be made as to why soccer is worth a bit of your time.


Would you work during the Super Bowl? No, you’re drinking booze for breakfast. Because that’s how it is. And for soccer fans all over the world, every World Cup game is like a division playoff, if not the Super Bowl itself. So if your boss thinks you’re a big fan of soccer, and he’s progressive, you can probably use a few sick days to catch some games at a bar. Because as much as I enjoy watching soccer in peace, it’s even better with a loud group of folks sucking down day sauce. And all the “slow boring” parts that get complained about make for plenty of time to just hang out while you wait for a goal that bursts everyone’s sports blue balls in an explosion of joy.

But what I’m basically saying is, if you’re not into the World Cup, just lie and say you are so you can get drunk on a Tuesday.


Whether professional soccer will ever become a popular nationally televised event on a regular basis is still way up in the air, and certainly not in the immediate future, youth soccer is the fastest growing sport in America. And with the plethora of life threatening injuries associated with football, it has no signs of slowing down. So if you have, or plan on having children, chances are, they’re going to play soccer. Imagine being the dad who has no idea how to properly throw a baseball. Or a dad who doesn’t understand the rules of football, and has to lean over to the other dads and ask embarrassing things like, “Now, why can’t the quarterback guy throw the ball when he crosses the, what’s it called? Scrammage? Oh, yeah, the scrimmage line?” Ten years from now, do you want your kid to get razzed because his old man, “kicks like a girl?”

When I first started playing soccer in the 5th grade, my father was our coach. He had a to read a book on soccer in order to figure out what the hell was going on. No other parents had any idea either. Neither did we. So it was fine. But those days are done.

If you’re going to watch soccer in at least a learning capacity, you might as well watch the best. Then think about dropping 20 bucks on a ball and kicking it against your garage here and there.


Those guys bust their ass to try and not embarrass our country every four years. Is it so much to ask to toss on some red, white and blue, crack a few cold ones, plop down on your couch, and scream at your tv? Sure, they can’t hear you, but the sentiment is there. You’re like, putting out positive American vibes, man.

And it’s not like the US totally sucks at soccer. Our women’s team has won the World Cup. Twice.

Fuck yeah, Brandi Chastain. Badass. America.


The World Cup 2014 is in Brazil. So shots of the crowd seem like the camera is being operated by a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue prospector. Pittsburgh Steelers fans, these are not.

And half of the players, ladies (and fellas, if that’s your bag), I give you, Ronaldo:

Jeez. I mean, I’m having some strange feelings here.

Which brings us to…


Cristiano Ronaldo, the most expensive soccer player in history and captain of Portugal, is named after Ronald Reagan.

His father’s favorite actor.


If you love watching coaches go out of their mind like I do, I implore you to get a load of Mexico’s manager, Miguel Herrera.

This guy is a wall to wall heart attack going a thousand miles an hour. You can’t help but picture Herrera nude in a hot tub after the game with three Brazilian prostitutes, a steak sandwich and a cereal bowl of cocaine. And I pray to God that’s true.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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