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It’s easy to criticize soccer It’s boring. It’s too slow. There’s not enough scoring. Flops. So many flops. It’s really, really boring.
I personally love the World Cup. I find watching a game quietly by myself to be meditative and soothing. In that fashion, soccer is the sports equivalent of reading a book, while the NFL on FOX harkens to seeing “The Expendables 2” in a movie theater. I’m a big fan of either, depending on my mood. However, trying to explain to someone via your personal feelings as to why they should enjoy soccer is always a fruitless effort, because…
…Dude. It’s so boring.
But, that’s not to say there aren’t some tangible points to be made as to why soccer is worth a bit of your time.
IT’S AN EXCUSE TO DAY DRINK
Would you work during the Super Bowl? No, you’re drinking booze for breakfast. Because that’s how it is. And for soccer fans all over the world, every World Cup game is like a division playoff, if not the Super Bowl itself. So if your boss thinks you’re a big fan of soccer, and he’s progressive, you can probably use a few sick days to catch some games at a bar. Because as much as I enjoy watching soccer in peace, it’s even better with a loud group of folks sucking down day sauce. And all the “slow boring” parts that get complained about make for plenty of time to just hang out while you wait for a goal that bursts everyone’s sports blue balls in an explosion of joy.
But what I’m basically saying is, if you’re not into the World Cup, just lie and say you are so you can get drunk on a Tuesday.
YOUR KIDS WILL PROBABLY PLAY IT
Whether professional soccer will ever become a popular nationally televised event on a regular basis is still way up in the air, and certainly not in the immediate future, youth soccer is the fastest growing sport in America. And with the plethora of life threatening injuries associated with football, it has no signs of slowing down. So if you have, or plan on having children, chances are, they’re going to play soccer. Imagine being the dad who has no idea how to properly throw a baseball. Or a dad who doesn’t understand the rules of football, and has to lean over to the other dads and ask embarrassing things like, “Now, why can’t the quarterback guy throw the ball when he crosses the, what’s it called? Scrammage? Oh, yeah, the scrimmage line?” Ten years from now, do you want your kid to get razzed because his old man, “kicks like a girl?”
When I first started playing soccer in the 5th grade, my father was our coach. He had a to read a book on soccer in order to figure out what the hell was going on. No other parents had any idea either. Neither did we. So it was fine. But those days are done.
If you’re going to watch soccer in at least a learning capacity, you might as well watch the best. Then think about dropping 20 bucks on a ball and kicking it against your garage here and there.
BE A GOOD AMERICAN
Those guys bust their ass to try and not embarrass our country every four years. Is it so much to ask to toss on some red, white and blue, crack a few cold ones, plop down on your couch, and scream at your tv? Sure, they can’t hear you, but the sentiment is there. You’re like, putting out positive American vibes, man.
And it’s not like the US totally sucks at soccer. Our women’s team has won the World Cup. Twice.
Fuck yeah, Brandi Chastain. Badass. America.
HOT BABES FROM FOREIGN LANDS, AND FOR THE LADIES, HOT DUDES
The World Cup 2014 is in Brazil. So shots of the crowd seem like the camera is being operated by a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue prospector. Pittsburgh Steelers fans, these are not.
And half of the players, ladies (and fellas, if that’s your bag), I give you, Ronaldo:
Jeez. I mean, I’m having some strange feelings here.
Which brings us to…
RONALD REAGAN
Cristiano Ronaldo, the most expensive soccer player in history and captain of Portugal, is named after Ronald Reagan.
His father’s favorite actor.
BATSHIT CRAZY MANAGERS
If you love watching coaches go out of their mind like I do, I implore you to get a load of Mexico’s manager, Miguel Herrera.
Respond
Mike Burns
Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."
@pizzanachos69
@pizzanachos69
not to mention, you can stream it on your phone or computer while you’re “working”
The soccer “craze” will be done as soon as the World Cup is over. Move along, nothing to see here.
Asking me to enjoy soccer is like trying to convince me that turning bisexual isn’t that bad.
The only reason that soccer is America’s fastest growing sport is because parents don’t want to face the fact that their kid sucks at baseball or football.
Soccer is “the world’s game” because all you need is a rock and two trees so even the poor countries can play it. Even England wants an NFL franchise (maybe that’s why they did so poorly this year).
Aren’t you just a ray of sunshine? Arguing that even England wants an NFL franchise is like saying New York wants a new MLS team next year (NYFC) because baseball, football, basketball and hockey suck. That argument is unbelievably flawed. It’s not a substitute, it’s just more entertainment for the people. But you can continue carrying that ignorance with you. Most people I’ve met have that same ignorance so don’t feel like you’re alone. They just work as low paid high school football coaches.
Do you have any idea how stupid and ignorant your comment is? The same could be said about literally any other sport:
Football – All you need is a rock to throw
Baseball – All you need is a rock and one stick
Basketball – All you need is a rock and a basket or bucket.
Poor countries can play all of these sports too.
Nobody is trying to convince you to like soccer, your mind seems pretty made up. We’re just asking you (and everyone else who feels the need to publicly be a debbie downer every 4 years when the world cup has 1 month in the spotlight) to not be so ignorant and stubborn when it comes to your opinion on the most popular sport in the world, and maybe try to show a little national pride for your country playing in the tournament. But if you just want to sit at home by yourself, jerking it to the thought of how many days are left till the start of the nfl season while everyone else is out partying and enjoying the beautiful game, be my guest.
How many of these worthless articles must there be? Stop trying to make soccer happen.
Do less. Way less. In fact, do nothing.