50 Excuses You Use To Drink


You’re an adult. You don’t really need an excuse to drink. But you use them anyway to somehow justify the amount of alcohol you put in your body every week. Here’s a few.

  1. Work sucked.
  2. You just realized half the NBA is younger than you.
  3. Beer was on sale.
  4. To kick a hangover.
  5. Your parents are visiting tomorrow.
  6. The girl you just went on a date with is “trying to work things out with her ex.”
  7. You have a headache.
  8. The only other liquid in your house is tap water.
  9. Your tab is on the company card.
  10. You found out “Hey Ya” was released ten years ago.
  11. Turns out the hot receptionist is a lesbian.
  12. Your younger brother has had more successful, fulfilling relationships than you.
  13. It’s your birthday.
  14. It’s your buddy’s birthday.
  15. It’s some guy at the bar’s birthday.
  16. It’s probably somebody somewhere’s birthday.
  17. It’s only Wednesday.
  18. Breaking Bad just melted your brain.
  19. Pizza doesn’t taste right without beer.
  20. Your team won.
  21. Your team lost.
  22. You have money left after rent, car payment, and student loans.
  23. Every water hazard seems to be claiming your ball.
  24. Olivia Wilde is still dating Jason Sudeikis.
  25. To pregame a first date.
  26. You just got a new job.
  27. You just got fired.
  28. You’re gonna have sex with the hottest girl you’ve ever met, and you don’t wanna blow your load early.
  29. You blew your load early.
  30. It’s a holiday you’ve never heard of.
  31. To celebrate the McRib being back at McDonald’s.
  32. New seasonal beers are out.
  33. Because you have to go to a dry wedding later.
  34. Your flight was delayed.
  35. That bottle of wine has been sitting on your counter for too long.
  36. You’re worried your muscle memory for shotgunning beers is going to atrophy.
  37. You’re gaining an hour with Daylight Savings.
  38. College football is on tv. Yes, even if it’s June, and the game in question is a throwback bowl game from the 80s.
  39. The electricity went out.
  40. Someone put a beer in your hand.
  41. A character in a movie you’re watching is drinking.
  42. You can’t sit in a leather chair without a glass of whiskey.
  43. Your buddy left some beers in your fridge, and you have to get rid of them before he comes over again.
  44. The walking beer vendor at the game is very persuasive.
  45. You already know you’re not gonna make it into work tomorrow, so might as well keep going.
  46. It’s what Hemingway would want.
  47. Any classic rock song is playing.
  48. Someone told you you shouldn’t.
  49. The beer is going to “expire” soon.
  50. Because you have a drinking problem.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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