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It doesn’t matter if you think Facebook is the worst website of all time, and the eternal scum of the internet, chances are you still have an account. And why wouldn’t you? These days, those who don’t have Facebooks are around the same level of sketchiness as the shockingly large number of sexual predators who live in your neighborhood. On top of that, in all likelihood, you’ve had your account for several years, and your friends list encompasses several major chapters of your life.
But do you really need to know what the girl that sat in front of you in 10th grade History class thinks about the Benghazi scandal? Probably not. When a random kid from a college group project gets a $60 parking ticket, does it really affect your life? Of course it doesn’t.
Chances are, your Facebook friend list is currently overflowing with people you couldn’t give a quarter of a damn about. Sure, you could host your own little friend list genocide and delete people one by one, but where’s the fun in that? I’d like to give you a few more entertaining ways to clean up the torrential spew of mediocrity that your friends list has become. They might not all work, but at the very least, the reactions will be worth a laugh.
1. Post Pictures Of Your Microwave Dinners
I’m not sure when attractive looking food became such a big deal. Before social media, people would just cook their food, eat it, and promptly shut the hell up. Now the process is an elaborate production that includes no less than three social media posts devoted to how pretty you can make a plate of food appear. Until Facebook and Instagram unveil a virtual tasting feature, these pictures serve absolutely no other purpose than making you slightly hungry upon viewing. For all you know, that gorgeous plate of Chicken Parm tastes like a deep fried shoe.
So how exactly does one stick it to the food posting masses? Simple: create a Facebook gallery devoted to every Hungry Man dinner you throw down in postgrad disgust. The key here is to seem completely serious, as if you had just cooked a gourmet meal that would make Gordon Ramsay say, “Pretty damn good, lad!” The dumb ones might not get it, but it’s safe to assume that a few people will realize you’re blatantly mocking them. Good riddance in my opinion, nothing is worse than seeing a heaping plate of deliciousness with an Earlybird filter just before lunch.
2. Post Fake Spoilers
If there’s one positive thing I can say about our era, it’s the fact that we have some amazing TV shows at our disposal. Shows like Game of Thrones and Mad Men completely consume the internet every time they air, like Kate Upton let loose in a Krispy Kreme factory. Unfortunately, with great internet comes great spoilers, and viewers have to be especially cautious to avoid ruining upcoming plot points. That’s where you come in.
Pick a popular show, preferably one you dislike, and post a slightly believable but made up spoiler an hour or two before it airs. Something like “Can’t believe Walt is actually going to kill Jesse tonight!” will do just fine. While the fanatics will doubt you at first, deep in the recesses of their mind they’ll be burning up with enough fanboy fury to green-light 27 more new seasons of Arrested Development. The most psychotic of fans will delete you immediately, and I can assure you that you won’t miss them one bit. As you see your all-unimporant number of friends topple downward, you can take some satisfaction in knowing how much stress you gave the crazies over a simple television program.
3. Make Insane Political Statements
If there’s one thing Facebook users are good at, it’s sharing political opinions on a massive scale. It seems that every time something happens in our government, 95% of Facebook feels entitled to share their opinion about it with the world. Anything from Gay Marriage Equality to President Obama giving a speech with his shoe untied is bound to flood your newsfeed with a stream of nearly identical posts.
How exactly is one supposed to fight the slightly informed masses? While many people choose to get into petty arguments with random high school acquaintances who can’t even spell John Boehner correctly, these cases usually end up with a face violently smashing against a keyboard. Luckily, you’re smarter than that, and you’re looking for a more entertaining route to get rid of the incessant “Look at me! I can do politics!” masses. My suggestion? Post a completely off the wall and ridiculous political statement that ensures you’ll get a second or third “WTF” glance. Something along the lines of “Congrats to the gays, now when will I finally be able to marry my hot cousin?” will do the trick. The key here is to walk the line between “What the hell?” and “You are an idiot.” The slightly moronic will delete you immediately, but the real idiots are the shining gems that rise up from a darkened corner of Facebook just to argue with you. Make sure you delete them too.
4. Like “Abortion”
One of the most prominent features of Facebook can also be one of the best ways to scale down your unnecessarily large friends list. You can like anything from “Anal beads” to “President Obama’s singing” on Facebook, but the most effective way to piss a few people off lies in the ever polarizing topic that rhymes with “shmasmortion.”
It doesn’t really matter if you’re pro-choice or pro-life, the fact that you can like “abortion” on Facebook is absolutely mind blowing. Sure, you can like a few other medical procedures like “Tonsillectomy” and “Boob Jobs,” but none of these as controversial as the dreaded fetus vacuum.
Naturally, the only way to react to this absurdity is to like the page yourself, grab a bag of popcorn, and see what kind of e-repercussions you can muster. Best case scenario: you lose a few crazy friends and get some serious entertainment in the process. Fair trade in my book.
5. Upload A Pic Of You With A Random Baby
“But Joe! How is a baby going to clean up my friends list?” I’m so glad that you asked. Uploading a picture with a baby in hand is the absolute best way to delete the people who know nothing of your current life. By simply adding the picture with no caption, you give the endless hordes of profile lurkers on Facebook the opportunity to reveal themselves.
The moment you see someone comment said picture with some variation of “Congrats” is the moment you know that person is worthless to your life. This of course is assuming that your real friends will know you didn’t have a little bundle of poop producing joy on the way.
Respond
Joe Nullet
Joe is the VP of Branding & Marketing for Grandex Inc and co-host of the Dudes Doing Business Podcast. He prides himself on his abundance of LinkedIn Powerpoint Endorsements.
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You should post a column about which friends to delete. My suggestion includes:
1. High school classmates that aren’t going anywhere (except the ones that are terrible enough to be funny, or anyone you want to use as an example for your children).
2. Random people you met at a bar once, but can’t place which bar you met at.
3. Lists with only two posts look stupid, so here’s a freebie.
Was thinking about running a whole “Cleaning Up Your Facebook” series- that’s an awesome idea for it, I’ll be sure to make it happen.
You can also include people who post conspiracy theories and/or news stories from very obviously fake news sites with the caption “OMG I can’t believe this!”