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Most people are assholes. They don’t mean to be, but they are. The thing about assholes that most people don’t realize, however, is that they aren’t always bad people to be around. Some assholes are entertaining, some are useful, and others are actually likeable.
1. The Former Athlete Who’s Still In Shape
Your body is supposed to deteriorate. That’s just a fact of life. The vast majority of people who played organized sports growing up are now hilariously out of shape (including me). And yet sometimes, someone breaks the agreement, and decides to stay active and in shape, making the rest of us look bad. Yes, we appreciate having you around when we play city league softball, but the rest of us were led to believe that everyone would be out of shape by this point, and you’re not holding up your end of the bargain. It’s not even that impressive that this guy is way better than us at athletic activities. We’re not even trying anymore!
2. The Well Informed Guy
I like to stay reasonably abreast of current events, in addition to my continuing amateur scholarship in various economic and geopolitical topics. This means that I can often stray into the territory of being too well informed (and also sounding like a pretentious asshole, if you didn’t notice). It’s nice to be able to step in with research and facts when people are having debates about issues and saying things that are just blatantly untrue. It’s another thing entirely to be the guy who just throws studies and economic papers around like that somehow makes his opinion right, knowing full well that no one else has the same amount of research prepared to counter his arguments. He basically shows up everywhere with a gun hoping that a knife fight will break out. You can’t fault someone for wanting to know things, but it does reek of assholery when he tries really hard for that fact to be known. Then again, it never hurts to have that guy around so he can go all Will Hunting on some chode talking out of his ass at the bar.
3. The Couple With The Perfect Relationship
They’re insufferable when they’re together, in that awful, delightfully cute way. I’m not talking about the lovey dovey, hardcore, PDA couples. I mean the kind that have been together so long that you sorta look at them as one entity. They’re usually both equally the nicest human beings that you know, and they both do things that just blow your mind. She’s a teacher, he makes furniture with his hands, they both volunteer to a billion charities, and they bone like twice a day. They’re perfect, and I hate them. And they don’t throw it in your face, either. They’re humble and kind, and will do just about whatever they can to go out of their way to help you. Obviously I don’t hate them, they’re the fucking best. But you have to admit that blatant awesomeness is its own form of assholery. It would be like if Dirk Nowitzki showed up to ball at the YMCA. He’s a nice, hilarious, humble guy, but him draining fadeaway after fadeaway in the face of a dude who looks like Andy Richter isn’t exactly fair.
4. Your Boss’s Boss
He’s still “The Man,” which makes him an asshole. However, anyone who you get to watch boss around your boss can’t be all bad. The best ones are the guys who like to come in and play “good cop,” because they don’t have to deal with you and the other underlings on a daily basis. So he can be cheery and fun, make fun of your supervisor to his face, and then parachute out and not have to deal with any of the day to day responsibilities of being a face to face manager.
5. Yourself
Ultimately, you get to separate yourself from other human beings when they start to get on your nerves. That’s not the case with yourself. You can’t escape you. So you either come to terms with your identity as an asshole, or you go crazy. You start to find ways to entertain yourself. Little inside jokes that make no damn sense. Singing bits of songs to the wrong lyrics. Chuckling at the way you walk when you’re drunk in the apartment alone. You’re the funniest person you know. Sure, you still piss yourself off a lot, it’s hard not to when you’re spending so much time with the one person who knows everything about you. Your asshole brain will remind you of stupid things you’ve said to girls/guys, the biggest idiot moves you’ve made in a public place, and just the cringiest moments of your life in general. For no fucking reason, too! That’s the push pull. It’s fun to hang out with yourself, but sometimes you can be a real dick, too.
Respond
The tight, hairless, bleached ones that are willing to be penetrated?
Recognising you’re an asshole and embracing it is so freeing. Just make sure you don’t stray into “cunt” territory. No one likes that person.
Baba Booey.