5 Things That Might Be The Death of Me


Continuing our undergrad lifestyles postgrad, which for some of us lasted longer than the outdated 4-year standard, takes ever-dwindling stamina. I don’t ever want the words “I can’t hang” to come out of my mouth. Even though that may be the truth, “too old” is not a category I’m willing to throw myself into yet. I say I’m in my “late-ish” twenties because I’m closer to 25 than the horrifying 3-0 (sorry, 30 or close to 30-year-old friends, it’s scary, but I’ll be there to get you blackout, if you can hang that is, and yes, that’s a challenge). However, some beloved actions seem to take a harder toll on our bodies than we would like. Here’s a compilation of a few that if worse comes to worse, we may unfortunately have to consider cutting back on first.

1. Drunk Munchies


I am simply amazed at the amount of disgusting food that I can inhale after a good drinking sesh. Basically, if it’s not growing mold, I will turn it into a late-night delicacy. In undergrad, Papa John’s at 3am on the reg was easily worked off by trolling around campus. I have literally seen friends dive deep into the garlic butter sauce abyss and proceed to lick it straight out of the cup. Thankfully for me, my condiment indulgence is ranch dressing over that devil sauce. In my eyes, this lets me retain at least one extra ounce of dignity. These days, the ol’ metabolism isn’t what it used to be, plus I spend the following days sitting at a desk or laying in bed resting and recovering from my overindulgences from the weekend and my tiring workday. Being good Monday through Thursday just to destroy everything you’ve accomplished Friday through Sunday is no longer a system that works. I wish I could take back the day we discovered that shady pizza place that delivers until 4am.

2. My Commute


It doesn’t matter what time of day I drive, that is the exact time that every resident of rural America that has never driven on a road populated by more than two people and a cattle trailer, decides to drive on in to the city for their annual doctor’s check-up. It’s either that or just some asshole, driving like an asshole, to be an asshole. Someone asked me once, “Do you honestly think these people are doing this purely to piss you off?” I thoroughly believe the answer is “yes.” These intense driving sessions are leading to an increase in my blood pressure that may eventually only be able to be remedied by hypertension medication. If it gets to that point, I’m going to have to give up working amongst the masses and work from my dark cave of a bedroom.

3. Smoky Dive Bars


I like a good, seedy bar just as much as the next person. You know the ones I’m talking about: low lights, and plumes of smoke. I live in one of those cities that still prides itself on the amount of heaters people can suck down in its adult establishments. Then, let’s add in the “I only smoke when I drink.” For the record, I’m not admitting to this, but I, uh, know people like this, so I’m still going to talk in first person. In college, this equaled just smoking all the time, because guess what instigator we were also participating in all the time. Now, you may only drink on Fridays and Saturdays and a couple weekdays here and there in between, but you find the stress of life sending you down the full-pack-of-P-funks road. All of this combined has lead me to wonder if the neighbors think we host a tuberculosis quarantine on Sundays, or if my coworkers wonder why I always “have a cold” coincidentally the day after bingo night.

4. Cheap Wine/Champagne Headaches


Uhhh, nevermind, I can’t let those bottles go. Next.

5. $5 16 Oz. Beer + Well Liquor Shot Specials


I don’t know if these types of deals run rampant in your city, but they do in mine. Every bar seems to have some version of this tempting exchange. You initially think this is great for the postgrad on a budget, until you’re 96 ounces of Pabst Blue Ribbon in, and 6 shots of whatever expired well tequila the bar had laying around back in the storage room. I’ll take a cheap champagne headache any day over the full body beating these deals bring.

Hopefully, our bodies hold up, and we can be that one old guy or gal that’s calmly fighting traffic to happy hour, throwing back tequila shots chased with a PBR, sucking down heaters like it’s going out of style, then going home to greet the pizza delivery guy, but I’m just not positive it’s in the cards.

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After stretching college out for 9 years, McMagistrate is now an attorney in her late-ish 20's who earned her title by embracing the stigma that accompanies a healthy partying habit. She enjoys showing off her sub-par golf game and pretending her impressive law school loan doesn't exist. You can likely find her on her patio, live-tweeting her wine binges, and concerning her neighbors.

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