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I’ve always been a fan of public speaking. Maybe it’s because I have this unquenchable thirst for attention, or because the rush you get right before you address a group of people is something that you can only get illegally otherwise. So, naturally, when my best friend asked me to be her maid of honor over a year ago, I didn’t give the speech I’d inevitably have to give a second thought. This was my wheelhouse. I had this.
But, alas, like any postgrad degenerate, I have waited until the very last minute to pull a funny, sweet, and all-around memorable speech out of my ass. The wedding is a week from today, and my speech is still a work in progress. It’s such a work in progress, in fact, that I have yet to actually write it. That’s how desperate we are.
And as I’ve drafted and vetoed not one, not two, but THREE speeches so far, it’s become pretty damn clear that there are a few topics I need to avoid no matter how very, very much I’d like to address them.
How They Actually Met
No, it wasn’t a swiping situation (but seriously, how do you guys tell *that* story at the wedding?). But it did involve a bar, a sloppy DFMO, and her ditching the guy she was with to hang out with her almost-husband. I’ve tried time and time again to frame that in a way that all the grandmothers in the house (and by “house” I mean absurdly expensive downtown Chicago venue) would approve of alas, I’ve come up blank. Guess I’ll just have to chalk it up to a cliched “love at first sight” quote and leave it at that.
Her Dating History
For years I’ve dreamed of the day my best friend got married just so I could embarrass her mercilessly. I know I know, that’s shitty. But what’s a friendship if you can’t poke fun at all the frogs she’s “kissed”? I always pictured putting a slideshow together à la The Five-Year Engagement and highlighting all of the loves, sort of loves, and “loved for a few minutes at the bar when she was drunk and just wanted to make out with someone” she’s ever had. See below for an example.
Unfortunately, she told me if I did that I would not only be removed from her wedding party but also uninvited to her wedding. Sadly, my cancellation date for my hotel has passed so it looks like I’ll have to scrap my slideshow once and for all.
All Of Our College Years
Even though we were friends in high school, college is where our best friendship fully bloomed. I mean, those were the times when we would hang out every day, go out every night, and lived off of a diet of free drinks and pizza. It was heaven. But talking about scamming guys for vodka sodas and how we’d alternate weekends of holding each other’s hair back or passing out on the bathroom floor doesn’t really make great speech material.
Basically Our Entire Foundation Of Friendship
Honestly, if we really look at our friendship, most of it is infused with alcohol and conversations about sex. Sure, we’ve been there for the hard shit in each other’s lives, and we can talk about pretty much anything. But the best parts of our relationship in our younger years usually centered around swiping our parents’ alcohol, sneaking out of the house, and making horrible decisions.
How Sad I Am About Things Changing
The hardest part about writing the speech, however, isn’t avoiding the landmine topics of sex, underage drinking, and that time we thought we got drugged at a party. The most difficult part about all of this is avoiding becoming the emotional bitch crying about how she’s “losing her best friend.” It’s pretty much the ultimate maid of honor faux pas. Sure, the fact that our lives and relationship is going to change is pretty daunting. Hell, that’s why I have a Xanax prescription — change isn’t a friend of mine. But the only way to make more memories, have things to look back fondly on, and pave the way for the future is to get my shit together, write a bomb ass speech, and wish her and her almost-husband the very best.
Because, as much as I want to think her wedding is about me, it turns out it’s not. How weird is that? Still, worst case I can always just say the ole “love is patient, love is kind,” thing. That always brings down the house..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
“True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego…”
“I’m glad to see Frank’s dad made it out, that’s awesome”
“Couple of nude people walk out of your bathroom blindfolded like a god damn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend”
“I think what my friend is trying to say is love is blind”
This thread really is the best thing I’ve read all week.
Word of advice: if you try a standup comedy routine full of inside jokes, like women sometimes do, or hacky jokes about marriage and commitment, like guys sometimes do, everyone will hate you
Tell a well-established story that some people in attendance will already know, but make it the most sentimental/hilarious version of that story
As a Best Man I would like you to know that this goes across the aisle.
Will most likely be the best man at my brothers wedding (assuming) but am thinking about passing off the speech to a friend he spent more time with after college.
Got married last week and the biggest thing I was stressed about was my best man speaking (but I will be his, so we have a MAD agreement in place)
A week is plenty of time to throw together a solid speech. Find one funny story to tell from your friendship that is just barely appropriate enough to discuss in front of strangers and then find a way to explain how that story is the perfect example of what your friendship with the bride has meant to you. Wish the newlyweds well in their new life together and then go hit that open bar like it’s going out of style.
Don’t mention the sloppy dance floor make out, but do make sure that the song that was playing when it happened is on the DJ’s mix. (I actually saw a couple use that song as their first dance, and I have always respected the hell out of that decision.)