Once upon a time, you were a young, bright-eyed kid with rosy cheeks who dreamed of adventure beyond your wildest imagination. Armed with your GameBoy (or GameBoy Color if your parents were able to maul their way through the crowds at Toys “R” Us during holiday season ’98) you started off in Pallet Town, weaving through forests, caves, cliffs, and even the middle of the ocean on a grand Pokémon journey. If you were lucky, you became the greatest Pokémon master of your elementary school cafeteria.
Flash forward almost 20 years. You hung up your GameBoy a long, long time ago and entered the working world. The light that was once in your eyes has been replaced with a dull, glazed over expression, and the color of your pallid cheeks matches the gray patches that have sprung up in your hair. Your significant other has you by the Pokéballs. Lo and behold, even in the workplace, your Pokéfriends are still with you! But, on second thought, maybe you wish they had stayed in the game where they belong.
This is your coworker who eats constantly–he always reheats and consumes questionably-smelling food. This person smells pretty bad, too, and you’ve caught him napping either at his cubicle or in the bathroom stall more than once. I wonder if Pandora has a Pokéflute station.
This is your boss, naturally. This person knows exactly what you’re thinking at any given time of the day, and more often than not he or she will use that knowledge to bust you for not working. This person may steal your ideas and take credit for them. Also, he or she may or may not have telekinetic powers and lack genitals.
This person is the overly eager mother figure of the office. She treats everyone in the office, especially the younger people who haven’t learned how to tune her out yet, as her “chicks,” and she believes she’s the “Mama Hen.” She definitely has one of those “Hang In There” or “I Hate Mondays” motivational posters in her cube. Probably single, she most likely possesses an alarming number of cats.
This is the coworker who tells the same boring, sleep-inducing stories over and over. He or she will most likely draw on your face with magic marker out of anger if one of his or her stories puts you to sleep. Avoid the Jigglypuff if you know what’s good for you.
Interns. They scavenge for free food left over from meetings, scurry around the office, and gather together as a pack in the break room. They are easily scared, and one always tends to pop up when you least expect it. This intern will ask you to look over his or her resume or for career advice. Also: unnaturally sharp teeth.
As you go through the journey that is life, you’ll probably discover more workplace Pokémon than you ever thought possible. (OG 151 only, naturally.) Only by observing, studying, training, and mastering them all will you become the Pokémon master of your office, or some such nonsense like that. Really, all I’m looking for is someone to watch Pokémon on Netflix with me. For the love of Mew, come on! We can even do the PokéRAP together. Who’s with me?
I’m so alone.