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It’s great to have friends who are just like you. You don’t want to spend your free time hanging out with people who don’t share your interests, drinking habits, and swearing style. However, outside of your normal circle of jackass buddies, it’s good to also have some other types of friends to augment the input and general life advice you normally get. Plus, if you hang out with dudes like my buddies Watkins and Barry all the time, you’re probably going to wind up in jail soon.
1. The Married Guy
I’ve talked about the Rock Steady couple before. They’re the two people in your group who have been together so long you don’t remember them apart. The Married Guy is the male half of that couple. They don’t have to actually be married, so long as their monogamy has earned tenure. The Married Guy is great because he’s usually much more responsible than you are. He’ll volunteer to be the designated driver and say, “You know, maybe you shouldn’t go tell that guy who has six inches on you that he looks like a chode.” He’s also your pathway into more normal activities. You can be golfing buddies or go fishing together, because that’s what responsible adult males do. The Married Guy is an overall positive influence on your behavior, and he also serves as a reminder that if your idiot friends can settle down, so can you.
2. The Asshole
Let me be clear: you don’t want a friend who’s literally an asshole 24/7. That’s just annoying, and it’s too difficult to deal with. What you DO want is a friend who has a tendency to be hardheaded. This person can help out with a lot of things, from deciding what movie to watch to talking the bouncer into letting your group in even though the bar is “at capacity.” Sure, he can be tough to deal with sometimes, but as long as most of his assholery is channeled outwardly, he’s a pretty valuable asset. You just have to learn how to handle his stubbornness. He’s like a dog who gets playfully aggressive, and sometimes, you just gotta wrassle him.
3. The Wing Woman
Can men and women be friends? “When Harry Met Sally…” says no, and that was even written by a woman. But I’m not going to get into that bear trap of a conversation right now. The point is, it’s really helpful to have a cool, fun, female friend to go out to the bar with. She’ll help you meet girls, she’ll talk you up to them, and if you strike out, she’s fun to hang out with in her own right. Everyone knows that the person best equipped to sell you to women is another woman, but even her presence helps. The sheer fact that a woman is with you adds to your social value in the subconscious opinion of the other women in the bar.
4. The Old Guy
This can be literal or not quite so literal. It would be super awesome if you were friends with a spry, 80-year-old guy who could tell badass stories, like the dude Eli Wallach plays in “The Holiday.” However, that’s not usually the case. Oftentimes, your “old” friend is actually only a couple years ahead of you. Either way, it’s great to have an older friend, because no matter how dumb or immature he might actually be, he’s still got more life experience than you. At the very least, even if his advice sucks, you can learn from his mistakes.
5. The Group Mom
This girl is sometimes–but doesn’t have to be–married to The Married Guy. Her responsibility is exactly what her name implies. She acts as a surrogate mother for you and your idiot friends. In a lot of ways, she’s even better than your actual mom, because you can drink and swear around her and you won’t feel like a disappointment. She’s the one who orders the Uber at the end of the night, reminds you to drink water while you’re boozing, and takes care of you when you’re hungover. She’s a godsend on that last part, too. I can’t describe how many times our group mom has woken up early on a Sunday to get donuts or make breakfast for the rest of us ingrates. She’s basically the woman designated to take care of you when you don’t have a girlfriend to do it for you, because God knows guys can’t properly take care of themselves without a woman’s help. That’s not sarcasm. It’s 100 percent true.
Respond
#4. You’re damn straight you gon learn from my mistakes son
I used to think wing woman was a real thing, until some real talk with female friends led me to conclude that the “When Harry Met Sally” effect will lead to the woman campaigning for your failure since, even if she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t want anyone else to have you. The territorialism goes both ways.
Or maybe all my friends are absolutely bonkers.
What kind of monsters do you call “friend?”