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Well here you are. It’s your 25th birthday and unfortunately it falls on a Wednesday in the office. Word has gotten out that it’s your birthday, so prepare for an influx of half-assed gifts from coworkers. You’ll try to hide, but still run into at least three middle-aged coworkers with baggy eyes who will say “Oh you’re so young…” as they look off into the distance, searching for their lost youth. But I digress. Here are the birthday gifts you’ll receive from coworkers.
From: Fat Accountants
Clearly there’s an ulterior motive here – they give you WAY too much food so you’ll inevitably have leftovers. SHOCKING, you can’t finish 4 dozen cookies on your own? Have no fear! The accountants have already e-mailed their friends and you can feel the ground rumble like Jurassic Park when they swarm your desk.
Gift: $10 Giftcard You Won’t Use and Lotto Ticket
I seriously didn’t know that iTunes giftcards were still a thing until I received one for my last birthday. This is the ultimate piece of shit gift. Nobody under the age of 40 buys their music legitimately, so what are you supposed to do with it? Unfortunately your bookie or drug dealer also won’t take it as a form of payment, so it’s inevitable that you’ll stash the giftcard in your desk for the next year. As for the lotto ticket, it’s not even a Powerball one – it’s a $1 scratch off. God knows they really don’t want you to win, so the max prize on this bad boy is $1,000.
From: Male Coworker In The Cube Next To You
He’s about your age, and probably either too high or hungover to remember anyone’s birthday. By the time he can audibly hear the ninth person wish you a happy birthday, he’ll say “Oh shit, it’s your birthday! Totally forgot. I’ll buy you lunch some time!” He won’t.
From: Your Department
In a perfect world you’d like everyone in your department. Unfortunately, you don’t. However you still like a few people, but once you get to the most convenient chain restaurant (probably Chili’s, more likely Olive Garden) it’s a bloodbath of musical chairs to sit next to someone you like. The conversation stalls at least seven times because of the awkward age difference. While you don’t want to, you revert back to talking about work because that’s really the only thing you have in common.
From: The Secretary
You don’t know how she does it, but she remembers everyone’s birthday. She’s legitimately sweet and is the first to greet you and wish you a happy birthday. You’re truly touched until you realize that you’ve been here for three years and have never wished her a happy birthday. Hell, you don’t even know when hers is. Oops.