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You’re an adult now, and you need to act like it. Pickup basketball, beer pong, and trolling for trim are a thing of the past. You’ve joined the workforce, and it’s about time you shape up and start doing some stuff for fun that doesn’t make you look like you’re still chasing your college nostalgia high. Luckily for you, our society already has a few picked out for you.
One can argue all sorts of reasons to pick up squash. It’s a great workout that won’t take a toll on your body like basketball will. In fact, Forbes rated it the healthiest sport to play. Plus, you can meet all kinds of new friends. However, there’s one reason and one reason only to start playing squash, and it’s why I advocate for it instead of golf or tennis: superiority. As adults, we’re looking for anything that can reassure us that we’re better than most of the people around us. Squash is a sport dedicated to those who have an innate need to artificially inflate their worth. Racquetball? My good man, that game is for peasants. It was designed to be a squash bastardization, played on a handball court in a style that encourages hitting the ball as hard as you can. Sheer brutality. No, no, no. You MUST play squash. Once your hair begins to fade, your wife leaves you, and your children take their tuition money and stop returning your calls, you’ll still have a place at the squash club to park your BMW that smells vaguely of cigarettes and despair.
2. Model Building
This one has always confused me, because it seems like building toys should be reserved for industrious 10-year-olds, but what do I know? Model building comes in a lot of forms. There’s the guy who buys $40 classic car sets (also known as my dad) all the way to the dude who spends thousands upon thousands of dollars on model trains that he keeps in his basement. I’m not sure which one you should be–that’s a life decision you’ll have to make. Building models can be fun, though. It’s not as much about finishing one and getting to play–I mean, display it, as it is the therapeutic and zen quality of working on it. By that, I mean it’s a good way to get away from your wife who won’t shut the fuck up about you buying the wrong kitchen trash bags.
This one is a conundrum. In all likelihood, you can’t afford a nice, model boat handcrafted by your dumb friend who got into the above hobby, let alone an actual, seagoing vessel. If for some reason you can, then you probably already have. Here’s my proposal. Go in on a boat with a group of friends. Sure, one of you will probably end up taking care of it more than the others and it will eventually become the wedge that drives your friends apart, but that’s one of the perks of getting a boat. It ruins your life! There’s also the piracy route, which is when you spend enough time hanging out with people rich enough to afford boats to learn how to pilot one–and how to get into the marina. Just slip in one night, take the nicest one in the place, and set sail. Will the Coast Guard be out there looking for you? Maybe. Are they allowed to execute you on sight? Hard to say. Maritime law is confusing. I’m going to err on the safe side here and say yes.
4. Home Brewing
You know how simple the idea of making beer seems? Yeah, it’s not. Reading about home brewing makes it sound ridiculously easy, but once you’re in the moment and the temperature spikes past where it’s supposed to be, or your initial fermentation stage starts to bubble over, or your gravity readings start to get wonky, you’ll realize how difficult this stupid hobby is. Wait, did I say stupid? I meant delightful! Look, let’s just be honest about it. The effort level is high and the investment is significantly more than you’d anticipate, so if you’re doing this just so you don’t have to buy “overpriced” beer at the store anymore, you’ll be grossly disappointed. However, if you’re cool with getting way too frustrated and spending way too much money all in service of having several bottles of a pretty solid lager you can drink with your friends, with the satisfaction of having done it all yourself, then you’ll be okay. Don’t forget to stock up on plaid shirts and grow out your beard.
My parents and grandparents are both all about going for daily walks. They don’t go anywhere in particular–they just walk. It’s not like it’s great exercise, considering the fact that they walk at the pace of a fat kid after leaving a pizza buffet, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. I’ve recently taken up late night walks myself. It’s nice, because most people are inside or already asleep, and it’s all pretty quiet. Am I more likely to get mugged and mutilated where I live than my parents in their gated community? Absolutely. But as far as I can tell, I’ve got a pretty good rapport with the bums in my area, so if someone robs and beats me, I know I can at least count on Homeless Jeff to tell a gas station attendant to call the paramedics after he checks my pockets, just to make sure my assailant didn’t leave anything behind. Other than the impending feeling of possible bodily harm, I’ve enjoyed my nightly walks very much. I either walk around in total silence or throw on some headphones and let Alanis be my soundtrack to the city. Either one is great for clearing my head.