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Just like me the other night, Valentine’s Day is coming too soon (self zing!). Not many people enjoy V-Day. I am not one of those people. It’s like D-Day for your soul as wave after wave of loneliness invades the once naïve beaches of your heart–that’s currently occupied by the Nazi army of betrayal and heartbreak. I love that. Not because I’m a stone-cold mother effer, but because I choose to look on the bright side and find the humor in all of life’s ridiculous minutia. Here are some reasons why Valentine’s Day is my favorite bullshit holiday. I hope this list helps you get through it, too, you undateable monster.
1. You get to see where people stand in their love lives.
Is this guy actually content with being single, or is he disguising it, forever in the friend zone? Is this girl happy with her boyfriend, or is she gonna dump his ass tomorrow if he doesn’t deliver the most spectacular Valentine’s Day of all time? It’s questions like these that get answered. Watching a girl or guy (yes bros, you’re guilty, too) who is always single progress from the “I hate Valentine’s Day” posts to hitting the bars hard and hooking up with a stranger, to eventual soul-crushing regret and loneliness, is like watching someone about to get nailed by a truck. You know it’s sad, but you can’t look away.
2. You get to watch girls try to one-up each other.
Instagram. Twitter. Snapchat. Facebook. These are the places where I will lurk, because I’m not on those platforms nearly enough as it is. (Yes, that’s sarcasm you smell.) The yearly competition between girls via social media to see who has the best boyfriend is one that never ceases to amaze me. You would think these posts of new jewelry, breakfast in bed, or them as a couple in front of a stupid Ferris wheel (AKA things people do all the time, every day, since forever) would get annoying. Not for me. It shows me who the try-hards are. The look-how-happy-we-ares entertain the hell out of me, especially since all of that crap they just posted won’t mean anything in 10 days. I’ll personally be “one-downing” these people, responding with snaps of me eating tuna straight from the can.
3. We all appreciate a good love story.
There are the one or two couples you know who have been together forever, essentially. They might even be engaged, which may make you feel bad about yourself, but you’re still happy they’re doing well–like Ike and Tina in their prime but with less crack-cocaine. The only thing I need by my side right now is the Chinese food delivery menu, but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of recognizing something beautiful or whatever. “Like” all of their pictures, get invited to the wedding. Open bar. No brainer.
4. You get to spend a romantic day with your better half.
Funny joke. Check me out on LuLu, ladies. I’ll leave you saying, “Meh.” Bars, anyone?
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On Fire New Hire
A 22 year old who has been freshly scraped from the fraternity basement floor and plopped into the world of finance to survive on his own. The fact that friends and relatives are visibly shocked every time they learn he's not dead should tell you all you need to know. His favorite hobbies include delusions of self-grandeur, improvising tasks that shouldn't be improvised and disguising being kind of a prick as a form of honesty.
#2 is brilliant! From the hours of 8:30 – 5 on Valentine’s Day I am going to get my popcorn ready and watch the social media competition. Once I can clock out of work, well, then I don’t care.
#5 picking up the upset singles at the bar