I’m going to risk the backlash that I could get from other chicks for this article, but for the sake of the other side of the coin that is 5OClockShadow’s article, there are far too many girls who continue to ruin the reputation of an otherwise level-headed gender. Sure, we get our fair share of monthly hormone fluctuations, and I’m all for “chicks before dicks,” but there are four types of women–some very similar to the men 5OClockShadow mentioned–who tarnish my global repute.
So, to the dudes who are convinced that all women suck: they don’t. I’m here to serve as that level-headed chick at the bar who shakes her head in disappointment at the obliterated dick-breaker across the room.
The Social Media Whore
I’m a firm believer that one’s social media presence is a direct reflection of his or her true character. This girl posts a daily OOTD (outfit of the day) picture and immortalizes everything you do together as a couple through a filtered Instagram picture. She needs constant validation that she’s pretty, and she will need the same confirmation from you at all hours of the day. Dating someone who gets sappy on Twitter and treats Facebook as her therapist is a surefire way to drain both your emotions and your cell phone battery. Not to mention the fact that when you’re not with her, you won’t be able to get rid of her, as she’ll give you a Snapchat by Snapchat update of her uneventful life. Also, she’s a crier.
The Guy’s Girl
This girl ain’t loyal. Within the first half hour of meeting you, she’ll tell you she’s a guy’s girl (secret code for whorebag) even though she can’t tell you how many yards there are on a football field. If she claims never to have met any other woman she can remotely get along with, then kick this bitch to the curb. Girls like this are just plain mean, yet are somehow the most enticing. They know just how to pull on your heartstrings with their super low-cut shirts and self-asserted independence, but will most definitely stomp all over your fragile feelings. Girls actually need to have sleepovers and put cucumbers on their friends’ eyes and talk about you behind your back, because if we don’t, then it’s all bottled up inside of us and we release it onto the guys we hang out with. If you meet a girl who claims she would actually prefer not to do the girly things that dudes make fun of, just walk away.
The Girl Who Acts Like She’s Your Mom
Unlike the guy who acts like he’s your dad, the girl who acts like she’s your mom is not insecure or critical. She is, however, entirely too invested in you and your future together as a “we.” She spends more time thinking about how you’re doing than what she’s doing, and she’ll offer to make you lunch and deliver it to your job. In her mind, there is no distinguishing between her life and your life. She wanted your babies yesterday and never had any intention to get a degree other than her MRS. If you don’t text her after a three-hour span of not talking, she will literally think you’re dead and file a police report.
The Girl Who Can’t Let Go Of College
If she graduated from college, then there is no reason why she should still be rocking her Greek letters in public. I’m sure she had fun decorating pink, plastic wine glasses and hazing the shit out of her sisters in college, but it’s time for her to retire her letters to résumé status only. A sorority girl in the real world likely still has some maturing to do. She will drag you to paint-your-own-pottery lessons and she still refers to herself as a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, which means she has yet to discover her limits. Like 5OClockShadow said, she is the metaphorical Disney princess of adults–pink on pink on pink. Sure, in college, fucking a sorority girl meant that you made it to the big leagues, so congrats on that. But there comes a time when we must sacrifice our Greek letters for company letters. If your girl has yet to make that swap, then I hope you enjoy blue balls and making out to Lindsay Lohan’s 12-year-old English accent, because your only sexy-time soundtrack will be “The Parent Trap” and she will take kissing breaks to recite the lines.