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Today at work, I had a thought that freaked me out. I realized that I am in the minority when it comes to my relationship status in the company. I mean, I’m single, and plan on staying that way for a while. However, I am not alone. After looking around the office, I have discovered that in the postgrad world there are four types of single dudes.
1. The Ladies’ Man
Everyone knows a guy like this. In a lot of cases, he is probably your best friend. He is the tall, good-looking, smooth talking guy in your group of buddies that picks up a new piece of ass each night. This guy has not slowed down since college and has no intention of slowing down until he has to. Getting a girlfriend would just put the brakes on this man’s good time, and he’s not about to let that happen. This guy, while he is young, will be one of the funnest guys to hang out with. But eventually he will get old, and nothing is more depressing than the sad, old guy who is pissed off that the women don’t flock to him like they use to.
2. The Repellent
Unlike the ladies’ man, this person doesn’t have a flock of women trying to sleep with them. He actually has the exact opposite situation going on. There is at least one big, glaring problem with him and it scares the crap out of the potential dating pool. It could be anything from a physical deformity, like a massive growth or a lazy eye, to a psychological one, like being a giant bitch. Since these people exude a Lifetime Movie Of The Week level of sadness, they aren’t very much fun to hang out with. The only chance they have at getting out of their slump is finding a person just as desperate as they are.
No one likes this guy. He is the ultimate buzzkill. He just got out of a marriage, and for the first time in at least a decade, is now single. He’s always trying to hang out with the group of cool people in the office that are one generation younger than him. Let’s say you and all the other young employees are going out for happy hour on a Thursday, and then boom, like fucking Batman this guy will pop out of nowhere and join your group. This guy’s life is sad. Eventually he will calm down, leave you and the other young people alone, and join an online dating site like most sad, depressed, old people. That’s where he’ll meet his second wife, and then you won’t have to deal with him until that marriage ends in a few years.
4. The Outsider
This is the category that I fall into. This person isn’t pulling ass like the ladies man, but he’s not causing babes to run for their lives either. This person, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to get into a relationship. In my case, it’s because I really don’t want to grow up. Having a serious girlfriend would be taking one big step in the direction of actually becoming an adult, and that’s something I am firmly against. I already have a steady office job, which is soul sucking enough. Adding a girlfriend to that would just be too much for me to handle. Anyway, the day will come when the good times will come to an end. I, and those like me, will have to grow up and find other people to spend our lives with. Or, you know, I could just keep drinking till I die in a knife fight in a bar. That would be awesome.