4 Simple Technologies That Should Exist Already

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We live in an incredible time for technology. I remember playing with a touchscreen MP3 player that a buddy of mine had in high school. It was huge, ugly, almost impossible to use, and it blew my fucking mind. Now, only a few years later, touchscreens are so passé that we give them to children and put them in vending machines in airports. Google is developing a driverless car, I can buy a fingerprint scanner for my front door, and Elon Musk is doing Elon Musky things. However, there are still a few simple developments and inventions that I’m shocked haven’t happened yet.

1. Online Elections

I get that the general public is leery about stuff that happens online and the conspiracies about vote rigging will only increase, but most of the people from those two groups think our president was born in an Al-Qaeda training camp, and that climate change is a hoax perpetrated by scientists because they’re mad about not getting girls in high school. So fuck ‘em.

Sure, there are rational concerns for allowing online voting. Security, workability, efficiency: all of these things are definite issues. We just witnessed what a nightmare it was to create Healthcare.gov, so it’s not like the government has a firm grasp on how to effectively harness the power of the Internet. Despite all of this, I have a simple argument in favor of creating a system that doesn’t require people–especially working class citizens–having to tailor their work schedules around making a selection on a ballot. If the IRS can (and does) process millions of tax forms online, then we can vote online. Both activities are hugely important for the government to exist, they require rigorous proof of identification, and they are immensely simpler than their analog alternatives. Not everyone will take advantage of it, but it’ll make life easier.

2. A “Turn Off The Sports Ticker” Feature

I live in a household of divided allegiances. My roommates are die hard Spurs fans and I’ve accepted Dirk Nowitzki into my heart as my personal savior, so needless to say, our sports desires are often opposed. This isn’t just in the sense of the rivalry, but also in the practical application of watching games. Our teams often play at the same time on certain days, which means that we often watch one game live while the other records. Sometimes we wait for everyone to get home before we start a game we all want to watch, but we’ll watch another game that’s on in the meantime. Usually, our greatest opponent to successfully doing this is the stupid damn ticker that never leaves the bottom of the screen and puts up the scores from every game in existence.

Here’s the deal, ESPN. I don’t think our situation is particularly unique. So why do we not have the option to make the ticker running across the bottom of the screen go away so that the score of the game that’s recording isn’t ruined for us? I can record every TV series I’ve ever had the slightest inkling to see, fast forward through the commercials, set up my show recordings to insane specifications, and order any movie I want on VOD, but I can’t make your stupid news and alerts at the bottom of the screen disappear? Get that shit out of my life. We’re tired of duct taping cardboard to the bottom of our TV, ESPN. It leaves residue.

3. Sex In Mainstream Video Games

I know, I know. I’m already a gross, oversexualized American male. Why am I advocating for something that will only push me further into a content-driven, emotionally unhealthy, anti-women sexual mindset? Because I’m a gross, oversexualized American male. I literally just said it. Keep up, people.

In all seriousness, though, I don’t understand why video games haven’t broken the sex barrier yet. Sure, you can go into the champagne room with a stripper in Grand Theft Auto or have a prostitute bump up and down on your character while sitting in a car. Neither of these scenarios, however, allow the player to fully control the situation, nor are they particularly flattering to women in general, either. Look, I’m not asking for a full on sex simulation game where you attach some sort of creepy controller to your dick. First of all, there’s no world in which I would trust my junk to a mechanical object. I’ve seen “Terminator,” “The Matrix,” and “iRobot.” I know what machines do to humans. No fucking thank you. All I’m saying is that sex shouldn’t be treated like this weird, taboo thing anymore. If we’ve decided as a society that it’s acceptable to play a game that rewards murdering human beings with chainsaws and baseball bats in pursuit of drugs and money, then adding active sexual encounters as a feature shouldn’t be that big of a stretch.

Yes, girls should be able to play as female characters, too. I’m all about equality for perverts.

4. Jetpacks

Yeah, I get it. Jetpacks are a little more advanced than everything else on this list. But come on, man. Jetpack technology has barely advanced since Sean Connery used one in “Thunderball” back in 1965. What’s the deal, science? I appreciate the mapped human genome as much as the next guy, but I don’t see how that gets me any closer to becoming Tony Stark’s schlubby cousin who uses his flight suit to pick up his pizza because he’s too cheap to pay the delivery fee.

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