4 Reasons To Not Dress Up For Halloween


1. You’ll be forced to compete in/attend the office costume party and potluck lunch.

I just watched this today as I tried to snag free pizza while not being called out for not dressing up. It’s a beating. All the office minions were in there comparing costumes, and it honestly may have made my testicles rescend into my stomach. One of my three managers was regulating hard, and I was only allowed two slices of Pizza Hut because I didn’t dress up in a costume. So I’ll have to grab a late lunch, but that’s a small price to pay for leaving here with what little dignity I have left.

2. The IT nerds take it too far and are going to kick everyone’s ass.

Except for when the server crashes, Halloween is pretty much the nerds’ time to shine. It’s a call to arms that may actually require a giant bugle. They usually dress up as a well-known horror movie figure, like Freddy, Jason, Pinhead, Michael Myers, etc. That’s all fine, but they put so much effort into it, that you’re guaranteed not to win the office costume contest even if you do sell out enough to dress up. These guys must get up at 5am to start applying makeup; your hangover alone prevents you from doing that. So if you can’t win that coveted $25 gift certificate to Chili’s, you just have to spend the rest of the day looking like a dickhead for no reason. Why bother?

3. People take it way too seriously.

Some dress up as the Joker or some weird comic book character no one has ever heard of that they imagine themselves to be when they close their eyes the other 364 days of the year, and this is your glimpse into their strange existence outside of the office. Go ahead, Fat Heath Ledger, have your fun. But if you don’t stop asking me if I want to see a magic trick, I’ll spear you Goldberg-style right through the break room drywall. You better only be desperate to win that gift certificate, or you’re about to be in a world of pain. Civilians don’t normally win in a fight against one another, but in this case an exception will be made.

4. Act your age.

The youngest person in this office is about 24, hopefully at least 10 years removed from trick or treating. When the old, fat guys in the office coordinate an Avengers costume, it just looks sad and honestly makes you feel okay with possibly having to miss your next Corolla payment.

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