4 People That Joined Your Gym Last Week

1. The Serial Resolution Breaker

fat-woman-580_56470a Why They Joined: This person is a regular at the gym throughout the month of January, only to go into hiding from February through December. The Serial Resolution Breaker has determined, once again, that this will be the year that they start taking their health seriously and get into shape. How To Spot Them: They’ve been doing this for at least 5 years, so you should be able to recognize them by now. When They’ll Leave: Once the excess holiday pounds melt off, The Serial Resolution Breaker finds it difficult to find motivation. The temptation of an extra hour or two on the couch every evening eventually becomes too much and they give in. Despite this failure, The Serial Resolution Breaker will manage to convince themselves to sign up for a gym membership next year…because things will be different.

2. The Person That Is Going To Hurt Themselves

Gym-1 Why They Joined: For one reason or another, this person has decided to take on the challenge of getting fit with maximum effort and minimal instruction. Have they ever been to the gym before? No. Have they sought out any advice as to how to use the equipment properly? Of course not. Are they confident in their ability to figure things out on their own? You bet. How To Spot Them: They’re usually quite easy to spot. You’ve never seen them stretch, they have terrible form, and habitually select weights that are far too heavy. After a week or two they will consider themselves to be experts and begin offering their advice to anyone that will listen. You see them every single day, giving “110%”, until something goes horribly, horribly wrong. When They’ll Leave: It’s not so much a matter of whether they are going to hurt themselves, but when…and how. Odds are you won’t see them again after they recover from the ACL tear.

3. The Middle Aged Guy Looking For Love

old-guy-gym Why They Joined: To be fair, this person’s New Year’s Resolution might not have had anything to do with getting into shape in the first place. He has determined that this is the year that he finds someone nice to settle down with. For some misguided reason, he has decided that the local gym is the ideal place to find his boo. He is on the prowl for a woman who is health conscious, in shape, and determined to take care of her body. Of course, the fatal flaw in Middle-Aged Guy Looking For Love’s plan is that he possesses none of these qualities himself. How To Spot Them: The Middle-aged Guy Looking for Love is instinctively drawn to any area of the gym that contains a high number of young, presumably single, women. This guy usually lingers around the cardio equipment, or as he will occasionally refer to it, “The Matron Menu.” When They’ll Leave: After striking out, repeatedly, this sweaty seducer will realize that the gym is a terrible place to meet women.

4. The Person That Doesn’t Actually Workout

Gym-Selfie Why They Joined: The Person that Doesn’t Actually Workout has the ability to derive satisfaction from attending the gym, regardless of whether or not they actually break a sweat. For this reason, they will probably find the transition from couch potato to gym rat to be remarkably easy. How To Spot Them: For every 10 minutes spent briskly walking on the treadmill, they reward themselves with an hour of socializing/sitting in the hot tub/hanging out in the change room. This person occasionally repurposes pieces of gym equipment into their own home office by taking calls and sending e-mails in the midst of their “killer workout”. By the end of the year, they have spent more time chatting on their iPhone than doing anything that could be loosely described as exercise. When They’ll Leave: The Person That Doesn’t Actually Workout will usually stick around, though they will be in arguably worse shape than they were before they joined the gym.

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No one told me I'd have to crawl before I ball.

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