36 Thoughts Everyone Has While Talking To A Marathon Runner

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

Whenever you get into a conversation with a marathon runner, you better clear your upcoming schedule, because you’re going to be there talking about it for a while. Trust me. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for those who run marathons. I just have even more respect for those who run marathons without talking about it any chance they get.

Here are 36 thoughts that go through everyone’s mind when he or she talks to a marathon runner.

1. Marathons? I love marathons! I just watched a “Boy Meets World” one the other day!
2. Oh…you mean running. 😐
3. So, if you’re a marathon runner, why are you white?
4. Oh my gosh, I forgot. I can’t just ask myself why people are white.
5. I feel like I could run a marathon.
6. How long is a marathon? 26.2 miles?
7. The fact that you had to use the plural of “mile” is already too long for me. I no longer feel like I could run a marathon.
8. You get free stuff before and after marathons?
9. Okay, maybe I could run a marathon.
10. Wait, a lady once gave birth immediately after finishing a marathon?! And here I thought running was the worst part about marathons.
11. One time, I was on the elliptical for, like, 40 straight minutes.
12. You mean you put Band-Aids on your nipples and it WASN’T for pleasure?
13. Ugh. I wish I had your calves.
14. I bet I could beat you in a short distance race. I used to run track in high school.
15. Okay, fine. I went to, like, two track practices in high school.
16. Okay, fine. I went to the informational meeting for track in high school.
17. You burn 2,500 calories on average during a marathon? Cool. That’s about how many calories I consume on average during a day.
18. You hit a wall around mile 18? I wanted to hit you at about minute 18 of this conversation.
19. What was that about a runner’s high? You have my attention.
20. I don’t know street names in this area, so telling me your usual running route does nothing for me.
21. This conversation feels like a marathon.
22. Wait. You got a free beer after you ran? I could definitely run a marathon.
23. In elementary school, I ran three laps around the parking lot in my school-sponsored “fun run,” so…
24. You’ve done an Ironman? I love Robert Downey, Jr.
25. Oh. Different thing.
26. Not to brag, but I probably know more about chafing than you, and I don’t even run.
27. I would run 26.2 miles right now if it meant getting out of this conversation.
28. You think I should come running with you sometime?
29. I need to change the subject. Now.
30. Why are we still talking about this?
31. I wonder what happens when they have to go to the bathroom during a race.
32. I shouldn’t have asked what happens when they have to go to the bathroom during a race.
33. No, seriously, you ran 26.2 miles and are still alive to talk about it? That’s pretty cool. Not even the famed Greek dispatch-runner Pheidippides can say that.
34. Okay, it’s now officially taken you longer to talk about your marathon than it did for you to actually run it.
35. Finally! Our conversation about your marathon is dying down.
36. Oh, you’re a vegan, too? Great.

23

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Austin Huff

Austin wears pants every day. He is also the founder of KorkedBats.com.

• @AustinHuff
• @AustinHuff