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Back in college, we had actual pastimes, like crafting and drinking. Our time has now been reduced to the point where we’re only ever working, eating, shitting, or sleeping. That being said, our pastimes have changed a little since college.
- Ordering the most complicated Starbucks drink and watching the barista’s head spin as words like “decaf,” “soy milk,” and “no whip” fly out of my mouth at mach speed.
- Watching people speed walk or attempt to run at crosswalks. Bonus points if they try to run while carrying a purse or briefcase. This has to be the most awkward and enjoyable thing to watch. Seriously, it’s better than primetime TV.
- Dancing and singing to the radio during morning traffic with a mouthful of a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich while fellow road-ragers burn me with their death stares.
- Saying chipper “good mornings” while rushing to get to my desk. No time to chat. Serious business today, brah.
- Scrolling through every form of social media while the computer boots up and coming up with no less than 10 tweets that are mediocre at best.
- Reading through all of yesterday’s emails that I got after leaving early. Oops–I missed a meeting…
- Searching for new jobs on every career search engine known to man, specifically in a city that is not this one.
- Going to the bathroom, fixing my hair, sitting back at my desk, waiting 10 minutes, and then repeating.
- Walking to lunch to get at least one breath of fresh air–and by fresh, I mean polluted and dusty, but not within my building.
- Standing in line at Chipotle for almost my entire lunch break and taking it back to eat alone and particularly noisily, as if I’m another horse in the stable at the cube farm.
- Making 1,000 sticky notes and then throwing them all away at the end of the day, as if I’ve actually accomplished something.
- Seeing what new categories of things I can be blocked from on the Internet.
- Snapchating everyone my newest office decoration.
- Tallying the amount of times that weird girl makes a funny noise at the department meeting.
- Counting how many times my boss’s voice slips into his hometown accent in the meeting after the department meeting.
- Switching between my shopping cart on Amazon and a purposeless spreadsheet at the sound of any subtle movement in the hallway.
- Embarrassingly looking up from my phone to see someone judgmentally staring at me.
- Taking meaningless papers and spewing them across my desk.
- Subsequently spilling coffee or miscellaneous food items on said papers, as well as myself.
- Refilling said coffee. Extra creamer this time.
- Emptying my “recycling” bin. (See also: taking papers to the shredder.)
- Getting water, then peeing, then getting more water, then peeing more, then–well, you get the picture.
- Reading through documents and highlighting unimportant information that I will never need to remember.
- Arguing with a coworker about something in which we’re both wrong but too stubborn to admit it.
- Counting down the minutes until I can leave starting at 2 p.m. and giving myself a Werther’s ever half hour as incentive to stay awake until 5 o’clock.
- Using the last 10 minutes of my workday to pack up my laptop in hopes of making the impression that I actually do work at home.
- Tiredly saying my goodbyes to the receptionist who has a generic, old lady name, such as Nancy, Phillis, or Darlene.
- Getting caught in awkward small talk about a fellow coworker’s kids who I really don’t care about unless they sell Girl Scout cookies.
- Flipping out in traffic at a level somewhere on the road rage spectrum between prissy-pre-teen-who-literally-can’t-even and scary-pregnant-woman-who-wants-a-Diet-Coke.
- Taking off my pants as soon as I swing the front door shut behind me. Ahh, freedom.
Respond
Calculating said bathroom time times your hourly, and relishing in the fact that you’ve made money being vain or defecating.