Every once in a while, I get the bright idea to go for a run. Despite the fact that I have never, at any point in my life, been a runner, I occasionally become delusional enough to think that I can easily run a few miles. Most of the time, this thought makes me laugh while I continue to shove pretzels in my face and binge-watch Friday Night Lights on Netflix, but occasionally I challenge myself to actually go for that run I’ve been thinking about. This is usually how it goes inside my head.
- “I can totally do this. Three miles isn’t that far.”
- “Plus I’m wearing really cute workout clothes. Maybe I’ll meet a cute boy today.”
- “I’m starting to get winded. Surely I’ve run more than one block.”
- “Nope. Just one block. You’ve got to be kidding me.”
- “So much for meeting a cute boy. He’ll probably just laugh at my desperate attempt to run faster than one mile an hour.”
- “Maybe if I turn on some really good music it will help me stay motivated.”
- “Nope, that didn’t help. I’m still tired.”
- “I’ve been running for three minutes. That’s a pretty good start.”
- “I’m a lot more tired than I expected though. How did I get this out of shape?”
- “Okay, two blocks down. I wonder how many blocks are in a mile?”
- “If each block is one-tenth of a mile, then it’s at least ten blocks. Look at me and my expert math skills.”
- “I’m really fucking tired. Maybe I’ll just walk for a block.”
- “I can breathe! I’ll walk for just one more block, then start running again.”
- “Okay, one more.”
- “Alright, you need to get in shape. Start running now, fat ass.”
- “Oh my God. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?”
- “I need water. Why didn’t I bring water?”
- “Would it be totally pathetic if I started walking again?”
- “Yes, definitely pathetic. You’ve barely gone three blocks since the last walk.”
- “I have zero idea why I signed up for that 5K in a few weeks. Probably peer pressure. I need new friends.”
- “MapMyRun says I’ve gone a mile in 16:22. That’s not that bad.”
- “That’s actually really embarrassing. I bet my 86-year-old grandfather can run faster than I can.”
- “He can probably do it without dying too.”
- “Surely I can run a 5K faster than 45 minutes. Hell, normal people can probably walk a 5K in 45 minutes.”
- “I have no idea why I’m still out here. My side hurts. And my lungs. And my legs.”
- “I’m going to be so sore tomorrow. Why didn’t I stretch before I started?”
- “Okay, time to walk again. I don’t even care what I look like at this point.”
- “Can I be done? I’ve ran two miles. Okay, fine. I walked two miles with a little bit of jogging.”
- “My side really fucking hurts. And screw stretching. I really just need to lay on my couch and not move.”
- “Running sucks. Never again.”
Whether it’s 6 minutes or 16, a mile is a mile.
an excellent ‘fast and furious’ adaptation
Find something new to write about pres, this one’s been covered:
http://postgradproblems.com/your-inner-monologue-during-a-run/
I didn’t realize, my apologies to whomever CatieBee may be.
Regardless, I prefer to read (and write) in list format. It’s easier on the eyes.
^Do you happen to be dating Stuff Frat People Like?
Alas, no. I prefer my men with shorter hair. However, I do have all kinds of respect for his list-making game.
Nailed it.
Meh, it’s about mileage, not speed. You don’t see major differences in cardio/caloric benefit between running fast or slow unless you’re running a sub-5 minute mile anyway.
Then again, I love running, and realize that that makes me some sort of masochistic freak. But it’s still cheaper than heroin to get an endorphin rush.