Got a shitty boyfriend? If you answered, “No, I love my boyfriend!!!!” then close this page and go write a paragraph-long status about all of his great qualities and how truly #blessed you are. I’d really love to read it. If you answered “yes,” then welcome to PGP. Just kidding! Dump that loser and go put on your go-to little black dress that is liquor stain resistant. If you answered, “I’m not sure-I mean, he’s, like, really nice and stuff!” then just give this list a quick read. If anything sounds remotely familiar, run for the hills (or the cornfields, as we say in Nebraska).

1. Instead of getting his woo on at a nice Italian restaurant, you get almost pooed on in a Dutch oven.
2. You’re known amongst his friends as “The Succubus.” When you find out that’s your nickname, he doesn’t even flinch because he assumes you’re not intelligent enough to know the word.
3. You are financially responsible for your adult beverages for the first time since you paid your older siblings to buy you a handle of Burnett’s.
4. You can’t skip an ab workout without his mother dropping lines about how “excited she is to finally be a grandmother.”
5. Arguments end with him throwing up in your toilet because he’s a fight-picking drunk.
6. He doesn’t pitch in on your birth control, but he wants to go halfsies on condoms. (At least you’re double protected?)
7. He’s an anaconda snuggler, AKA a sleep strangler.
8. Or he’s an anti-snuggler.
9. When you spend the night, he makes you sleep on the couch after you two do the dirty.
10. Or on the floor.
11. Or outside.
12. (^ yikes)
13. He’s overly jealous. He threatens to break up with you if you have guy friends, guy coworkers, or bananas for breakfast.
14. He has a Tinder profile because “It’s hilarious how thirsty girls are. Especially these bombshell broads who keep messaging me.”
15. When the two of you splurge on a date night at a fancy restaurant, he goes ahead and orders you a salad.
16. …then goes ahead and orders a double Jack straight for himself because he “can’t handle you sober.”
17. …then hands you the bill.
18. …while blowing you a kiss.
19. “The gender wage gap doesn’t exist-you got this babe!”
20. He buys you the new jeans you were dying to get, but two sizes smaller for “encouragement.”
21. He complains about your overly big or underly small boobs, yet he has a ballpark hot dog. You know, the kind that doesn’t exactly “fill out the bun.”
22. He stretches out your favorite T-shirts because “men want shack shirts, too! Hashtag yes all men!”
23. After your favorite college T-shirt rips from his bulging beer belly, he goes on a passionate, hour-long rant about how women are the reason no one respects women and that #YesAllWomen was absolutely stupid.
24. He prefers going to bars with revolving doors solely because he won’t have to hold the door open for you.
25. “Oh, it’s 40 degrees and you forgot your jacket? Sheesh, you’re a dummy. My core temperature is pretty moderate, thanks to my warm jacket.”
26. “Oh, my God-you’re shivering a ton. You should flag a cab and I’ll see you at home later, if I decide to come home. Bye!”