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Riding in airplanes used to be fun. When I was little, I would actually look forward to the plane nap, playing cards and watching movies. I didn’t even mind the middle seat. Now I just don’t fit in the seat the same way. There’s less leg room and I’m usually hungover. Yesterday, I returned from a trip to Dallas and took the hangover game to a new level. I mean, it got weird. When you can’t complete a rational thought, it makes for difficult travel.
- I was hesitant about sitting down on the airport toilet because I was afraid I would fall asleep and miss my flight.
- I reevaluated my life in a handicap stall at Dallas-Love Field.
- I reevaluated my life in a handicap stall at the San Antonio airport.
- I apologized for drunk Tinder messages. #PGP
- I looked, smelled and felt like a homeless person.
- I honestly thought the past tense of feel was “feeled” for a second.
- I fidgeted like a kid on a roller coaster who just ate vegetarian chili as we took off.
- I had jacuzzi chlorine in my eyes which probably made me look like a zombie.
- I took a cab home from the airport because I couldn’t even deal with looking my friend who was supposed to pick me up in the eye.
- I threw out my boarding pass because I thought it was a Whataburger receipt.
- I stood at the urinal for four minutes because I couldn’t remember what I was there to do.
- I bought a cheeseburger, ate half of it, wrapped it up and ate the rest of it two hours later.
- I walked into the women’s bathroom, twice, in two different cities.
- Someone asked for my Southwest boarding number and I told her I wasn’t that easy.
- I missed my “A” zone boarding because I was trying to read a text.
- I told a TSA agent to “chill out.”
- I listened to an old man tell me how his medication made him constipated.
- I asked the little girl in the middle seat if she could share her Nutella.
- Then I told her life gets worse.
- I asked the flight attendant if she turned off her electronic devices.
- Then I asked her if I could request a song. I still don’t have “Wrecking Ball” on my iPod.
- I tried out the “Traveling light?” joke on a guy without carry-ons. It failed spectacularly.
- I asked a guy carrying a guitar if he knew how to play guitar.
- I tried to send a text mid-flight.
- I wrote this on my phone and drained my entire battery.
I need to get my life together. At least I’m not one of those random, civilized people who try to have conversations on the plane. God bless functioning human beings. I don’t know how you do it.