23 New And Unique Reasons To Break Up With Someone

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Breaking up with someone is often the most trying and difficult emotional action you can take. So, it makes sense that the actual act can be impossibly hard. When you break up, you’re not entirely convinced that separation is the right way to go, but more often than not, it’s because you’re hesitant to clearly identify the reasons why you feel the relationship should end. So instead of going to the boring, “we’re different people now” or “we’ve grown apart” clichés, how about injecting some new and fresh truth into the ending of the relationship? Any one of these would be perfectly acceptable as a reason to not date someone anymore:

  1. “Our dogs don’t get along.”
  2. “I need to explore some things about myself, such as my purpose on this earth, and why I feel the need to sleep with a wide and varied number of people.”
  3. “Your taste in pizza toppings is stupid and indefensible.”
  4. “We hate each other’s friends, and by default, being together means we have to spend a lot of time with each other’s friends.”
  5. “You always put the toilet paper roll in the ‘hanging under’ position, you monster.”
  6. “The terrible shows you force me to binge watch with you are fucking up my Netflix recommendations.”
  7. “Your level of crazy has gone from sexy to terrifying.”
  8. “We never agree on what time to leave the bar.”
  9. “That super attractive person at work is really into you, and it’s only a matter of time before their charms overwhelm you and you destroy my professional reputation, anyway.”
  10. “You eat your food one item at a time, which is oddly infuriating.”
  11. “I miss being able to sleep in odd positions that take up the entire bed more than I enjoy having someone to consistently have sex with.”
  12. “Your tweets aren’t funny.”
  13. “There’s just not enough room on the DVR for both of our shows.”
  14. “Your parents like me more than I’m really comfortable with, and they insist on inviting me to everything.”
  15. “I never get to wear my own sweatshirts, because you’re constantly stealing them.”
  16. “You don’t appreciate my unasked for nude pics like you used to.”
  17. “The fan that you insist on having run all night dries my mouth out.”
  18. “I’ve gained weight, and you’re still in good shape, which makes me feel bad about myself, but I like eating too much to actually do anything about it.”
  19. “You still don’t like ‘The Wire,’ even after trying to watch it three times.”
  20. “You’ve started using internet words like “IRL” and “lol” in actual conversations.”
  21. “You talk about how you love Beyoncé more than you do about how you love me.”
  22. “People have been telling me that we should break up, and I’d rather just do it so they’ll shut the hell up already.”
  23. “I literally just don’t have the energy to maintain a relationship on a day-to-day basis.”

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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