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As the Notes app on my phone will tell you, I come up with my most ridiculous ideas when I’m drunk. Often it’s at a time when I’m quite inebriated, but in a quiet place where I can hear my mind think. A common spot for this is in an Uber vehicle driven by a guy who’s name is probably Reggie.
- Does Dominos deliver to a moving vehicle?
- How much do I need to tip Reggie to let me plug in my iPhone, and turn his car into a jukebox?
- What was that girl’s name? Monica? Marissa? Does it matter?
- Is Reggie enjoying this lively conversation I’ve started, or is he just praying for the moment that I get out of his car?
- I’m gonna build a castle on top of that skyscraper like in Gargoyles once I’m a billionaire.
- I wanna start a band with this guy. He can even be the frontman. We’ll call ourselves Reggie the Wheelman and the Drunk Guys In the Backseat.
- Would people assume I’m more intelligent if I fake a British accent for the rest of my life?
- How much is the meter going to run up if I have Reggie go through the Jack In The Box drive thru?
- I should send my dad a long email about how much I appreciate him. No, not tomorrow, when it’s not obvious I’m drunk, RIGHT DAMN NOW.
- Why did Bob Marley shoot the sheriff, but not his deputy? Doesn’t it seem a little dumb to leave a witness to a murder who also happens to be someone who can arrest you for it?
- That guy’s windows are rolled down. I wonder what his reaction would be if I threw this McDouble into his car. He can’t be mad about that, right? That’s a gift!
- Do you think he’d be cool if I started calling him “Reg”?
- Crime would be a lot more fun if the “you can’t lie about being an undercover cop” rule was actually true.
- If I pick up that hooker, can my driver be charged with accessory to solicitation?
- Feminists say that “Beauty and the Beast” is romanticizing Stockholm Syndrome, but it’s really just about a bitch who went to the west wing when she was fucking told not to.
- I wonder if Reggie would be a decent getaway driver. I guess we can start slow with me stealing a two dollar pair of sunglasses from the liquor store on the way home.
- I don’t think Reggie is impressed with my flawless recitation of Eminem’s verse on “Forgot About Dre.”
- Should I text “U up?” to every former hookup in my phone? Of course not. Spell it out “y-o-u,” ya baboon. Grammar is still important!
- Has anyone ever been convinced to go see a movie by a fucking billboard?
- Now I see why dogs love sticking their heads out the window.
- Don’t mind me, just gonna take a little nap.
- We’re here? Did we fucking TELEPORT?!
- I hope Reggie texts me to go see a movie this weekend. I like that guy.
Respond
Gargoyles is the tits.
As someone who once ordered a pizza to the corner two blocks from my apartment (what’s a delivery zone?), I feel you on number one.