21 Power Moves You Can Pull On Valentine’s Day

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1. Hire a cupid impersonator to harass your Valentine all day at work. Show up after 45 minutes, kick cupid’s ass and then pay him by throwing $5 bills on his lifeless body.
2. Drag any barber shop quartet or anyone who calls themselves a “performance troupe” out into the parking lot and berate them about what they’re doing with their lives.
3. Send flowers with a card attached that says, “You’re alright, kid.”
4. “Roses are red, violets are blue, cocaine is white. Let’s go do some in the bathroom.”
5. Teddy bear? Actual bear.
6. Send her a bag of candy hearts with sex positions on them.
7. Card idea: “Get rid of your vibrator so I know it’s real.”
8. “Boo” the guy who proposes at the next table in the restaurant.
9. Have more than one Valentine.
10. Hit on dozens of women at the bar. Have a “Bachelor”-style rose ceremony at closing time.
11. Send flowers to the most desperate woman in the office with an anonymous card that says, “Statistically speaking, you’re probably not going to die alone.”
12. Pay for the guy who is obviously on a first date. Leave a note that says, “Learn from this and move on” on the table.
13. Drink the wine from the bottle at the table.
14. Listen to “Unchained Melody” on repeat and toast to Patrick Swayze back at your place.
15. Answer every question she asks you with, “I think it’s too early to tell.” Every question.
16. Dust off your old Ninja Turtles Valentines and distribute at your leisure.
17. Gift idea: A lock of your chest hair.
18. Get her a puppy. Large breed or GTFO.
19. If she asks for a stuffed animal, assume it’s open to interpretation. Hit up your taxidermist. Go with a pheasant or meerkat.
20. Do not partake in any Valentine’s Day activities. Drink whiskey on your couch.
21. Call off the whole thing.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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