20 Ways You Have Become Terribly Unemployed

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Oh how boring life has become…

1. SportsCenter has been on loop in the background for hours on end while you fill out job applications, and you are able to recite the anchors’ dialogue word for word.
2. You space out during an application and forget which company you are even applying to.
3. All conversations with your parents inevitably lead back to the topic of employment.
4. You are used to the empathetic looks that you get when you tell people that you are currently searching for a job.
5. You ran train on the 12 pack of K-Cups that you bought 4 days ago.
6. You drank so much caffeine before that you began to fear that you were going into shock.
7. The format of your résumé has been tweaked more than Greg Oden’s knees.
8. You started talking to yourself in the third person.
9. You switched over from rap and electronic music to motivational playlists for your runs.
10. You were extremely amped while listening to a locker room speech given by Ray Lewis. You then became very disturbed by the fact that you were so motivated by someone talking about the time they beat a murder charge.
11. You deleted Vine, Snapchat, etc. because you have a severe case of #FOMO.
12. You take public transportation because car insurance is expensive in the city.
13. If you had a nickel for every time you’ve heard “I’ll pass your résumé along…”
14. You have HOMECOMING written in all caps on your calendar in anticipation of your return to the college town that you wish you still called home.
15. You dread people asking about what you majored in during college, because you were a history major. Not history ed, just history.
16. Why did you graduate in four years? Because you’re an idiot, that’s why.
17. You don’t know if your heart is beating fast from anxiety or from the 7 cups of coffee that you have had today.
18. You take breaks from applications to try and think of inventions that would result in a large pay day. (Are disposable sports shirts a thing?)
19. You try and dodge “What are your plans?” conversations like you are trying to shake an FBI tail.
20. Reading (or creating) this list has been the most entertaining thing you have done all day.

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I run on sarcasm and K-Cups.

• @phillysgro