1. The dress
Her: The most beautiful dress she’ll ever wear…as long as it doesn’t make her hips look too wide.
Him: Just don’t spill anything on it2. The ceremony
Her: The only acceptable ocassion – ever – to wear waterproof mascara.
Him: Is this really necessary?3. The vows
Her: I would fucking KILL to have someone say those things to me.
Him: This is so gay.4. The bridal party
Her: My best friends, except for her fat cousin from Pennsylvania.
Him: She’s got some hot friends, except for the fat cousin from Pennsylvania.5. The groomsmen
Her: 3 of my college one night stands. Great reunion.
Him: They’re gonna get so much pussy6. The open bar
Her: Jesus take the wheel, I’ll be a drunk, emtional disaster by the end of the night.
Him: An open challenge to see how much you can drink7. The DJ/band
Her: CALL ME MAYBE, STAT.
Him: Play more Phil Collins.8. The dinner menu
Her: Oh, good, they didn’t do a buffet. So tacky.
Him: If they don’t have prime rib, I’m going to throw a tantrum
9. The bride’s father
Her: My favorite man alive!
Him: Thanks for all the free booze
10. The groom’s family
Her: Ugh, his mom seems like such a bitch.
Him: Man, his mom is really hot.
11. The hot cousins (on either side)
Her: Is he single?
Him: Is she 18?12. The ring
Her: Eh, a little small for MY liking, but it’s bigger than the one I have…which is nonexistent.
Him: Three months salary
13. Your date (or lack thereof)
Her: Please please please don’t get drunk and embarrass me.
Him: Shoulda gone stag.14. The cake
Her: RED VELVET EVERYTHING.
Him: Unnecessary interruption of this outstanding display of drunk dancing.
15. Your choice of drink all night
Her: I’m keeping it class, so vodka sodas and the occasional champagne toast/glass of white wine, obv.
Him: Top shelf everything. Not paying for it.16. The post-reception party
Her: Well, my date’s already passed out, and I’m moving in on the groomsmen. At this point, I’m painfully aware of how single I am.
Him: Swimming in a sea of sad, vulnerable, single women.
17. Your dance moves at the reception
Her: I’m fully prepared to embarrass myself, because it’s my best friend’s wedding.
Him: I am Michael Jackson reincarnated.
18. The bachelor party
Her: There better not be strippers.
Him: Funeral for the awesome part of buddy’s life.19. The bachelorette party
Her: MALE STRIPPERS AND PENIS CROWNS!
Him: Should’ve invested in dick-shaped straws.
20. The hangover the next day
Her: So worth it.
Him: Worth it.