20 Rules To Live By

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For those trudging through the wastelands beyond graduation, this is a pivotal moment in your life. The whole world is drunk and spread wide, wet with possibilities. Either that or it’s a nightmare of forced consumerism that’s slowly slipping its dark demon cock into your fragile, freshly soiled mind. The adult world is full of wonders and horrors and all postgrad pilgrims must eventually face the fact that college is a memory and time is rapidly accelerating.

May this collection of wisdom candy bring you peace in times of postgrad darkness.

1. Women get easier as they get older. They also get smarter.
2. Dicks will always be funny to draw on people.
3. You can afford better beer now, so buy better beer.
4. Every drunken friend is a “potential client” and every bar tab is a “business meeting” when it comes to tax write offs.
5. The beer pong skills you’ve perfected will come in handy. Last-cupping your coworkers grants social seniority in the herd hierarchy.
6. Women are always impressed when a man can effortlessly open a beer using anything other than a bottle opener.
7. There is more wisdom in one bottle of bourbon than in all the books of history.
8. New Year resolutions get funnier every year because you have less time to do more shit.
9. Whenever you feel old, just watch all the movies you loved as a kid. You’ll see them differently.
10. Most of the girls who shouldn’t have had kids probably already did. It’s called the Circle of Sluts and it’s a beautiful thing, Simba.
11. The depth of a man’s liquor cabinet is a reflection of his soul.
12. Do something you love after you do something that pays the bills.
13. Everything in the world is negotiable, so don’t fuck around with CarMax.
14. It’s nice to have nice things. As you get older, there will be fewer examples of “why we can’t have nice things.”
15. The only rule of debt is to get out of debt. Debt is a modern form of slavery.
16. Drugs are harder to find, so always remember to show up for alumni weekend.
17. Yes, college freshmen look like children now.
18. Don’t get a dog. A dog will just shit on the floor while you’re at work and will be needy as fuck when you get back from work. Don’t get a cat. A cat will emotionally manipulate you and force you to scoop shit out of a box. Get a big fucking fish tank, because fish tanks are fucking awesome.
19. If you’re serious about a girl, the scariest part about marriage is who to invite to the wedding. That shit’s expensive and your friends are assholes.
20. Everything ’90s is now old and everything ’80s is now really old. Don’t fight it. Embrace it, because the ’90s was one of the greatest damn decades in the history of humanity.

Postgrad life is uncharted territory. For the first time ever, you’re free to choose your own destiny. If you find yourself in an “Office Space” situation, remember that you’re old enough to know better and young enough to change.

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