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20 Reasons You Suck At Being An Adult

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  1. Maybe you have a 401k. Maybe it’s an IRA. Either way, you don’t know how it works, you’ve never checked it, and you don’t care.
  2. “Buying groceries” consists of loading up on perishable foods that you’ll fail to eat on time, but they’ll remain rotting in your fridge for weeks.
  3. You don’t know how to make a doctor’s appointment.
  4. You still casually drop curse words into everyday conversation, and it’s inappropriate.
  5. You joke with everyone that you’re a “functioning alcoholic,” but it’s not funny and you’re “functioning” at an unacceptably low level.
  6. Your parents still pay your car insurance, and cell phone bill.
  7. People around you are getting married and reproducing, but you’re single and can’t keep a goldfish alive for more than 48-hours.
  8. You know nothing about cars. The mechanic could tell you that brake pads cost $5,000 and you wouldn’t argue.
  9. You’re terrible at making yourself presentable, whether it’s buying clothes that fit well or getting a haircut that doesn’t make you look like Lloyd Christmas.
  10. You’re too lazy to vote.
  11. Something as simple as a speeding ticket absolutely destroys your budget, and sends you into a self-destructive spending spiral.
  12. You stay up until 2:00am every night, and complain about being tired every morning.
  13. When people ask, “What do you do?” you craft your answer to be as vague and confusing as possible to avoid further conversation on the subject.
  14. 75% percent of your workday is spent mindlessly surfing the internet and purposely testing the company’s web filters to see which sites aren’t blocked.
  15. Your dad still does your taxes.
  16. Instead of doing the dishes or cleaning your apartment, you call a maid service once a month.
  17. You haven’t hit the gym since freshman year of college.
  18. “Going out for a drink” means blacking out, passing out on your couch, possibly pissing yourself, and calling in sick for work.
  19. If you’re at a concert and somebody offers you drugs, you still haven’t learned to just say no.
  20. Your Google search history includes both “Kardashian porn” and “naked Harlem Shake.”

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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