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For those trudging through the wastelands beyond graduation, this is a pivotal moment in your life. The whole world is drunk and spread wide, wet with possibilities. Either that or it’s a nightmare of forced consumerism that’s slowly slipping its dark, twisted, demon cock into your fragile, freshly soiled mind. The adult world is full of wonders and horrors and all postgrad pilgrims must eventually face the fact that college is a memory and time is rapidly accelerating.
May this collection of wisdom candy bring you peace in times of postgrad darkness.
- Always finish your drink. This is by far the most important rule. Never leave fallen soldiers behind.
- Always make eye contact when you talk. If you don’t, people will think you’re hiding something or worse, retarded.
- Wear the clothes you want to die in everyday. One day you will die and you don’t want to be dressed like some goddamn hipster.
- People subconsciously judge you based on your appearance, so workout everyday. It doesn’t matter if it’s only 20 minutes. Exercise makes you happier and it’s the only way to turn that gut keg into a 6-pack.
- No more mixers. That’s college shit. Just drink it straight up or on the rocks.
- NEVER WEAR A CLIP ON TIE. Every time some one clips on a tie, Satan gets to skull fucks an angel.
- Aim for girls you think are out of your league. You’ll surprise yourself.
- Give a firm handshake. A man sizes up another man during that moment, so don’t be a bitch.
- Go with the decision that will make the best story, especially if it’s told over the phone from jail.
- Dividends are sexier than interest.
- If you’re good at something, never do it for free… unless it’s to help a hot chick… in exchange for sex.
- You could save an entire African village with the water you waste while masturbating in the shower. Save the world, one dry jerk at a time.
- A hangover is atonement for your sins from the night before.
- Keep old friends close, but keep the alcoholics closer.
- Train your significant other on the finer points of going down on you and you’ll reap what you sow forever.
- It’s okay to keep using your college email account. How else would you recover passwords for the thousands of dumb things you’ve signed up for?
- Constantly acquire new skills outside of your area of expertise. Interesting people are more likely to get hired over losers. Who would you rather hire, someone boring nerd with a 4.0 or someone who trains tigers, flies helicopters, and throws dildos competitively? Your résumé should tell a story that makes you different.
- Read a book. Nobody reads books anymore and it’s shifting our collective unconscious into the shallow end of the gene pool.
- If your boss drinks, invite him out sometime. If your boss doesn’t drink, ignore everything he says and believes.
- If you’re thinking about having a kid, first imagine what $300,000 would look like in your bank account in 18 years. If you’d rather have 300k, don’t have kids.