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With just two weeks until Halloween, the questions about what this holiday means for me now that I’m a lame nobody are flooding in. What do adults even do for Halloween? We’re not allowed to go back to campus, right? And we don’t have children to take trick-or-treating (thank you, Jesus) so that idea’s a bust. Do we just skip the festivities altogether and think about tax reform while dressed as a sexy nurse???
Not gonna lie, I actually proposed that my parents and I have a combined party where they invite their friends to our house and I invite mine and then immediately after I said that, I slapped myself across the face.
~*~Dear Lord in Heaven, no matter where this life takes me, let me never suggest that my parents and I host a party together ever again. Amen.~*~
Obviously I don’t have a costume yet (and I’m assuming a few of you don’t have one either, right?) but I’ve brainstormed a few ideas for this upcoming Halloweekend that will scream, “I’m broke but I’m totally owning it…just kidding I’m renting it, I can’t afford to own anything right now.”
1. Game of Loans – If you’re gearing up for a lifetime of student loan payments, this costume is for you! Dress like Khaleesi from Game of Thrones (or any other GoT character, obv) and attach a giant backpack labeled “Crippling Debt” to your back. Very easy, kind of sexy!
2. Your Resumé – Dress in unimpressive, beige colored clothing. Pile on all of the awards (medals, ribbons, certificates) you’ve collected in your lifetime. Best line-leader in first grade? Yes. Participation trophy for the middle school science fair? Absolutely. No award is too small. Have a smile plastered on your face all night but remain dead in the eyes.
3. You Are What You Eat – Cut a ‘you’ sized hole into 12 pizza boxes. Stack the pizza boxes on top of one another, so the holes are perfectly aligned and glue the boxes together. Step inside your pizza box stack, so that the only part of you that’s not in the stack is your head. You won’t be able to move once you’re inside but you’re not very active as it is, so it works.
4. My Dignity – Pick up items off of the floor and tape them to a groutfit.
5. Flew back to the Nest – If you’ve moved back in with your parents, dress up as a bird and construct a nest out of sticks and shit around an inflatable pool donut to wear as a skirt. This sounds like a hard costume to make but just have your mom and dad help you one night and it should get done pretty quickly!
6. Rock Bottom – Wear a pair of baggy gray sweatpants (with elastic on the ends) and stuff the pants with newspaper, so they look incredibly full and lumpy. Your upper-half should be adorned in a tight lil’ tank top (this is one of the sexier options of the bunch). Finish it off with a green canvas sneaker — you know, like grass — so people understand that you’re a rock!
Not to be confused with:
7. The Rock Bottom – Tape pictures of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson onto your butt.
8. Plastic Bag from “Firework” – “Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag?” Yes, Katy Perry, I do. I feel like a plastic bag all of the time which is why I am going to throw on a garbage bag with a hole cut out for my head and call it a freaking night.
9. Washed Up Has-Been – What better way to capitalize on your quick descent into irrelevance than to dress like Tara Reid/an All That cast member/Corbin Bleu covered in seaweed?
10. The Weeknd Warrior – That Monday-Friday grind, got you down? Get used to it you entitled brat you’ve got 50 more years of this. If you’re among the 100% of us fake adults living for the weekend, rent a suit of armor but forego the lil helmet and wear your hair just like Abel aka The Weeknd does!
Not to be confused with:
11. Everybody’s Working for The Weeknd — Couple’s costume! One of you dress in business formal attire, carrying a notebook and following the other one around (basically what my boyfriend does anyway so this won’t be a stretch) while the other dresses like Abel aka The Weeknd (basically what my hair looks like after a night of drinking anyway so this won’t be a stretch)!
12. Past your Peak – Find the most attractive picture you took in college and Photoshop it on top of a picture of a mountain peak. Next, screenprint your little creation onto a shirt or a shirtdress if you’re feeling proper. Then simply be yourself for the night! Just don’t get offended when someone asks who that person is on your shirt. You might think, “What are you talking about? That’s a picture of me, idiot! But remember: you’re now a shadow of your old-self; a phantom, stumbling through the early morning hours, with bags under her eyes and alcohol in her coffee mug. You’re completely unrecognizable to the people who only knew the lively person you were in college. Go with it. This is the new normal.
13. Netflix and Chill – Another couple costume that’s v easy and so v topical. One of you wear all red and a Netflix logo on your shirt (I know, groundbreaking). The other person should be in some sort of pajama situation. Maybe the hotter person in the relationship should be in the pj’s because then you can get a little sexy with it? Your call.
Not to be confused with:
14. Netflix and Chili – For a more appealing and appetizing version of Netflix and Chill, follow the aforementioned instructions for Netflix while the other foregoes his/her pajamas opting for a monochromatic outfit (within the red family) with a shirt that says “Chili” on it. This is so stupid and lazy and I hate myself.
And last but not certainly not least, you could always go as:
15. A Giant Disappointment – You, on stilts.
You’re welcome, everybody! Have a great weekend! .
Originally from The Fake Adult.
Image via Total Sorority Move
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The Fake Adult
"i'm not a girl, not yet a woman" - britney spears thefakeadult.com
@lindsaychatham
@lindsaychatham
The Kara: stay at home and decorate a blog with halloween emojis while complaining about life to several cats recently stolen from neighbors after the end (praise the Lord) of an abusive relationship.
The Kendra: dress as the most stereotypical hipster possible and run around using drawn out sentences full of cliches to bring down everyone else’s mood.
But where do I go? At 25 no one has “house parties” and bar halloween seems like it doesnt really exist. We all covered the club thing last week.. I am still at square one here.
I hear you. I’m going the bar crawl route. If you live in a big city, chances are you can find one. If you take advantage of the specials you might actually forget that you graduated college when everyone else there graduated high school.
Going to the NJ Devils game with the lady, dressed as Puddy and Elaine. Haven’t looked forward to Halloween this much since college.
Painting your face?
You know, support the team.
No pictures? Meh.
My parents threw an open bar rager one year. Don’t knock it till you try it.
How about just dress up as yourself with bags under your eyes and a laptop with an excel spreadsheet open doing V Look Ups while reading recipes for canned tuna and trying not to cry after checking your Sallie Mae principal loan balance? Then go visit your college on the weekend and you’ll really scare the shit out of some people!
Pics or GTFO
I do not know whether to laugh or cry: this is kind of funny but really sad that I am now the washed up has been