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14 Ways To Ensure You Get A Terrible Uber Rating (As A Passenger)

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1. Sneak a beer in, shotgun that beer mid-ride and spike your empty out the window.

2. Take like thirty selfies with your driver while he or she is driving. Don’t ask permission, and make sure the flash is on.

3. Ask every cliché question in the book. “How long have you been Ubering? Where are you from? Is this your only job? What’d you get your degree in? Am I supposed to tip you? Late at night, when you’re lying alone in bed, do you ever considering ending it all?”

4. Tell him you’re making a quick pitstop to pick up a prostitute.

5. Pull out an e-cigarette and start smoking. When he tells you to stop, explain that it’s electronic and odorless. When he argues that he can smell the smoke, tell him it’s all in his head.

6. Watch hardcore pornography on your smartphone with the volume on.

7. When he asks your destination, just respond, “Anywhere but here.”

8. Ask if he knows any good coke dealers in the area.

9. Sit in the front seat and aggressively scratch your crotch every few minutes. When he notices, say, “Crabs, man. You know how it is.”

10. Make absolutely zero effort to hold in your disgusting bodily gases.

11. Tell the driver you know a shortcut that will cut time off your trip. When it doesn’t work out, blame him and let him know you’ll be disputing the charge.

12. Call a buddy and share an offensively graphic sexual experience with that buddy.

13. Ask if you can stop by the bank really quick. After twenty minutes inside, exit the bank in a full sprint, yelling, “GO! GO! GO!” as you dive back into the car.

14. Say, “Five stars if you know what’s good for you, bitch,” as you exit the vehicle at your destination.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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