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Today is Friday the 13th, the unluckiest day of the year. On this day where we reflect on all of the things that are going wrong in our lives, let us remember that it could be worse. We could be one of these poor bastards. Stay strong out there, fellow cubicle warriors. And maybe avoid any ladders and black cats just for good measure.
1.
America’s Next Top Model is a reality show that seeks to find, you guessed it, America’s Next Top Model. Most of the contestants are deranged and psychotic (though wouldn’t you be if you hadn’t eaten in fifteen years?), and so it’s always hilarious to see these egomaniacs get taken down a notch. In this case, girlfriend was taken down twice…by a giant gong.
2.
I’m assuming that this girl was dared to jump over a bus seat. Due to an unfortunate speed bump, however, this girl got unwanted internet fame instead of props on the playground. The best part of this video, hands down, is that she gets up and walks back to her seat like she hadn’t just smacked her face against a bus ceiling.
3.
For her 80th birthday, Grandma wanted to stick her tongue out at the Grim Reaper, taunt him with a little dance, and scream “You haven’t got me yet, you little shit!” and so she decided to go skydiving. Ordinarily, this would be awesome. Except that after changing her mind and putting up a real stink about jumping out of the plane, Grandma almost plummeted to her death thanks to a shitty safety harness. Also, she flashed everyone her back fat. It was a rough day for all.
4.
Who picked this girl to sing The National Anthem? She’s tone deaf as all hell and she forgot the words. Actually, one could argue that she didn’t forget the words, but rather, she never even knew them to begin with. The crowd tried to help her along and yet even the voices of thousands of people didn’t aid her, instead, she just kind of mumbled along. It is sad though, one mistake and now everyone hates you and thinks you’re a terrorist.
5.
First off, this lady is a moron. Who told her it was a good idea to go on a game show that tested your intelligence, even if it is just at a fifth grade level? You need some new friends, lady.
6.
If there’s one thing I can get on board with, it’s an open bar. Unfortunately, with said open bar usually comes having to attend a wedding or some other social gathering involving people you who have it more together than you. Good news for us? Until you’ve pillaged a wedding reception, you’ll never have it worse than this girl.
7.
Pretentious assholes deserve to be taken down a notch. Do they deserve to wreck their $100,000 car? Eh, maybe. I do feel bad for the other drivers. They were just minding their own business when this ass decided to make a sandwich out of them.
8.
Is Jerry Springer staged? Maybe. Is it still awesome? Yes. Either way, be thankful that you’re neither a hooker nor do you presently need dentures. Be doubly grateful that you’re not a hooker who loses her dentures…on national television.
9.
Lotto pranks are so mean. This lady was a real class act about it, but I bet on the inside she was damning those sons of bitches to an inner circle in hell currently occupied by Judas and Cain. Honestly, if anyone were to ever do this to me, I would stab them with a jagged butter knife.
10.
Farrah Abraham first rose to “fame” via MTV’s 16 and Pregnant. She then propelled back into the spotlight thanks to her hooha and James Deen’s gigantic wiener. Now our girl Farrah is trying to star in front of the camera without dropping to her knees or take one in the backdoor. Keep in mind, this is somebody’s mother. Is it time to call CPS yet?
11.
God is the unlucky one in this video. I don’t know him personally, but I’m pretty sure he was looking down on this interview and was like “I’d sue y’all for slander if I didn’t have bigger shit to deal with. Also, Courtney, you look nothing like how I made you. Fuck you, you harlot.”
12.
I joke a lot about never getting married, but honestly, if I had to choose between falling in a pool in my wedding dress in front of all of my friends and family or not getting married at all? Yeah, I’d probably choose to die alone.
13.
Two things: 1) Be thankful your family has never been the kind of family to go on Family Feud and 2) Be thankful none of your relatives have said ‘masturbate’ in reference to teenage boys while on TV.
Respond
Catie Warren
Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co
@catie__warren
@catie__warren
Hands down, granny skydiving was the best video on here.
I’d say a blowski from a stripper with no teeth would be top tier as long as you kept the lights off.