I’m an identical twin, meaning I have a brother that looks — to the untrained eye — pretty much exactly like me. And yet, though there are literally hundreds of millions of twins in the world — and over 10 million identical twins — you’d think we’re some rare or undiscovered species the way most people react.
1. People in public places react to seeing you in the strangest ways.
It’s like they’ve just spotted a unicorn.
2. Your entire childhood fetishized you.
The ’90s were rough for us. They really were.
3. People tell you about another set of twins they know, and are astounded you don’t know them, too.
Because all twins know each other, right? Just like how all black people know each other or swimmers or people who own motorcycles.
4. People wonder, mid-conversation, if you’re “tricking them” and are really your twin.
First-off, why? Second-off, maybe learn who I am next time. Until then, guess you’ll never know.
5. Everyone wants to take a photo with you.
Like you’re a celebrity. Either way, this one isn’t so bad.
6. Everyone wants to know who is older. And taller. And has better teeth. And does better in school. And is more successful.
And the soul-crushing comparisons never end. Then people wonder why we’re competitive with each other.
7. Everyone remembers who you are because you’re a twin, but doesn’t ever bother to learn your name. But they’ll take guesses at it, anyway.
“Tom”? Where’d you get “Tom” from? That’s not even my brother’s name.
And getting asked these questions:
8. “Do you like being a twin? I would love being a twin.”
Ironically, the thing you like least about being a twin is being asked this question daily.
9. “Do you ever switch places for tests in school/for work/with girlfriends?”
Because the first thing I want when I’m ditching school, work, or ignoring a girlfriend for some reason is someone less-knowledgeable of the situation than me there with all of the liability and power to ruin my life, but none of the accountability to answer for it. Honestly, do people not realize twins are still brothers and sisters? Would you really want your brother or sister to have the power to pretend to be you? And what’s more, can you think of anyone that really wants to go to work or school for seven hours for someone else just for fun? I mean, COME. ON.
10. “Do you ever wonder if you got mixed up at the hospital?”
And you’ve just got to stand there and nod. People don’t think this one through. They think some switch-up with names could cause some fundamental, irrevocable difference in your overall life. The truth? No, not really. Because other than maybe having a different name for a couple initial days, you’re still the same person. But people never learn.
11. “Do you wonder if you wake up as him and him as you?”
Despite the general concepts of time, consciousness, physics, and just basic, real-world common sense, people still seem to think that some sort of Freaky-Friday-world rules of existence apply for you. That you can somehow, or would for some reason, wake up as your twin. As a different person. Because that’s possible. This absolutely asinine question gets asked so many times, with some serious, non-joking conviction, that it’s frightening. Like, seriously. The societal mental retardation around this one is spine-chilling.
12. And finally, people think you’re a dick for being asked all of these questions.
No, you’re not. Sorry I’m not sorry.