10 Things That Will Happen If You Go To Law School



1. You will get absolutely pummeled by an overzealous professor.

Oh, you read? Doesn’t matter. Pennoyer v. Neff is the law school equivalent of getting your balls hazed off in the basement by a coked out alumnus with a mid-life crisis. Get ready to have people you barely know walk up and ask you if you’re okay after class. “That’s not a tear. It’s just my allergies.”

2. The closest you’ll get to vacation is scrolling through Instagram.

The absolute worst. You will spend hours reading kick-ass hourly updates from everyone that went to the lake over Labor Day weekend. You’ll be posted up in that one shitty study room with the flickering light, sipping a warm sugar free Red Bull while everyone you know is taking selfies with Johnny Football. “It’s all worth it in the end, though.”

3. You’ll get sick. A lot.

It never fails. The guy who sits right behind you will burn all of his absences in the first month of class and then burn you by showing up sick at the end of the semester.

You: “Dude, are you sick? You look like hell”
Him: “Yeah, think I may have strep.”

You: “Maybe you should go home. I’ll take notes for you.”
Him: “Man, I used my last absence for my buddy’s bachelor party in Vegas.”

You’ll spend the next hour and a half holding your breath and trying to dodge his phlegm-launching cough.

4. You’ll have to deal with insufferable people.

It’s not a good mix. People who want to be rich and important combined with people who want to save the world and be important. Sprinkle in the people who just didn’t feel like getting a job yet, and everyone hates everyone. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.

5. Try too-hards.

This one could technically fall under the previous heading, but they deserve a place of their own. Look, everyone wants to be patted on the head now and then, but there’s always a couple dildos in every class that really want to make partner during their first semester of law school. Oh, and get ready for this move: you’re doing a decent job of stumbling through an answer and this SOB smugly raises his hand to show you up. Unreal.

6. You’ll turn into a weirdo.

Maybe it’s the Adderall. Could be depression. Maybe it’s the steaming turd you’re constantly being served. If you do law school right, and by right I mean not ending up on academic probation, you’re going to get weird. Just wait, you’ll be sitting at a bar with old friends over the holidays and find yourself staring into space because you can’t relate to any of their pop culture references. All you can think about is that Secured Transactions final you studied two days for (it was multiple choice) and more than likely failed.

7. Everyone will know you left class to take a dump.

There’s no sneaking out of a law school class. Some professors even take exception to you leaving in the middle of a lecture. But if you’re gone for more than 10 minutes, everyone will know exactly what you just did. I don’t care if you walk back in holding your phone like you had to take an important call, everyone will assume you just created something evil in the handicap stall.

8. You’ll feel like you’re not doing enough.

“Shit, Brooke just checked into the law library on Facebook. I wonder if she’s working on her brief already? I hate myself.”

Yeah, it’s never enough. You may think you know UCC 2-207, but you don’t. Someone in your study group knows it better. It doesn’t matter that you were writing it over and over before bed last night, that guy in your group that you really don’t care for just wrote it out on a white board and dropped the marker like he was dropping the mic. Cold blooded.

9. You will get fat.

You don’t have time to work out. You don’t have time to cook. All you can do is give five bucks to the girl in your study group that’s making a McDonald’s run at 12:30 AM. You’ll try to develop some type of gym routine, but that’ll slowly fade away as finals approach. You’ll tell yourself that you need to work on your outline tonight, and you’ll even set your alarm to workout in the morning, but you’ll end up convincing yourself you need a couple more hours of sleep because you might be getting sick.

10. You will get skinny.

Adderall is a hell of a drug.

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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