When the NBA Finals rolls around each June, it’s one of the tensest most exciting times of the year for two fan bases. For the supporters of 30 other franchises, it can serve as one last snapshot of another NBA season before it goes into the books, but it’s mostly just one step closer to the draft so they can see what their team will to do to hopefully get better. The Finals a are cool way to cap each season, but the point is for your favorite team to be in it and general indifference arises if they’re not.
The 2013 Finals matchup is a bit different though, because we find two of the more despised franchises in the league facing off. It’s the classic problem of trying to decipher which team is the lesser of the two evils, and then rooting for them, or maybe just hoping they do less shitty than their counterpart. Between the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat, we essentially have the valedictorian facing off against a smelly bully.
And just like in high school, they’re both insufferable.
Here, we’ll quickly run down ten reasons why watching this Spurs and Heat Finals matchup will pretty much make everyone hate basketball a little bit over the next two weeks. And no, the contempt shown here is not powered by my wild, unchecked bias for the city of Dallas.
Wait, yes it is.
10. The Heat are the Heat: Though LeBron James has done a pretty respectable job repairing his image since reaching rock bottom after the 2011 Finals, the Miami Heat’s essence and general attitude towards everything remains despicable. There are so many things about this team, explainable or not, that simply rub people the wrong way and make them impossible to root for in most circumstances. The Heat ecosystem even managed to turn good guy Shane Battier into a potty mouth this past week when he said “turd.”
9. Too Perfect: On paper, the Spurs do everything right. For the most part, their players seem like good, hardworking people in the not-so-glamorous Texas town of San Antonio. Their crisp ball movement, fundamentally sound defense and genius-level coaching is probably a pretty decent representation of what Dr. James Naismith had in mind when he invented basketball, aside from the peach baskets of course, but that’s part of what is so hate-able about the Spurs. They’re the guy you can go to for tax advice, 401k questions and general knowledge when you don’t feel like Googling it yourself, but you can’t trust them to not piss their pants if you asked them to go get a beer after work. They have a 4.0 (rings), but can’t put together an enjoyable conversation (appeal).
8. Dwyane Wade: Since 2006, any Dallas Mavericks fan has been more than willing to tell anyone who would listen about how uncool Wade really is. At the time, Wade was a top tier player and any Dallas disdain was mostly attributed to how he undressed the Mavs in the Finals that year (which was probably true, to be fair). Now, Wade has become more of a public diva than ever with his constant flopping, the leaking of his most recent injury, and, more recently, his demanding for more shots in an offense LeBron James is involved in. Mix it all together and you have a nice little concoction of annoying.
7. Palms Up, Mouth Open: Tim Duncan is one of the greatest players ever. He’s probably in most educated fan’s all time starting lineup depending on if Bill Russell was considered a center or power forward. But the point is he’s in that conversation, which is good enough. His flawless post-ups have slowly driven opposing teams and their supporters insane over the years because of how easily he can score from that spot in almost any situation. That’s not why he’ll make this series tough to watch, though. I’m petty, but not so much so that I’ll say I can’t watch a game because of great play. Duncan will do his part to ruin these Finals by doing this every time he fouls:
Oh, and this:
6. Mean Gregg Popovich: The Spurs’ coach, and in my opinion the greatest coach in NBA history, takes unbridled joy in ripping sideline reporters to shreds during the league mandated interviews between quarters. The dynamic of these things is incredible. Pop has forgotten more about zone defenses than these reporters could ever dream of learning, and he knows it. Every reporter also knows it and is petrified of having to approach Pop during the heat of an NBA playoff game, so it turns into some awkward dog and pony show that no one wants to be a part of and…wait, what am I saying? I love this part of games.
5. It Has To Be Said: Do I have to say it? Okay, I’ll say it:
Dammit, I know. Let’s just move on and pretend like this never happened.
4. Manu Ginobili: “Breathtakingly skillful.” “Sky high basketball IQ.” “As clutch as they come.” These are all incredible ways to be described as a basketball player and should be reasons why Manu Ginobili’s legacy is glorified. In a vacuum, he should be remembered as one of the most exciting international players to lace them up this side of Steve Nash. Instead, too much of the league can only think of his incessant flopping and wild ass drives to the basket. Even worse, his reckless abandon always seems to result in free throws despite him being so out of control he might as well be a drunk 89-year-old woman behind the wheel of a 4Runner.
3. The Heat Flop
2. The Spurs Flop
1. Oh Yeah, Flopping: As hot as this topic has been throughout these playoffs, it’s only fitting that the Finals has come down to the two biggest offenders. Led by Wade and Ginobili, there will inevitably come a time over the next two weeks where these two bump into each other and both flop at the same time. It will be disgusting. With any luck, this rare “mirror flop” will result in a worm hole forming on the court that both teams fall into, canceling the Finals, then we can forget this whole ordeal ever happened. Here’s to praying for that to happen. #PrayersOutWormHole
It seems we’re in for a highly skilled, infinitely annoying series of basketball taking place over these next two weeks. It may seem entertaining at times, but know this: regardless of what happens, we are all losers.
Kevin Brolan is a contributor to WFAA in Dallas, DallasBasketball.com and HoopsAddict.com. Follow him for mind numbing thoughts on basketball, most sports, and general nonsense at